On a Vase-by-Vase Basis

On a Vase-by-Vase Basis
©2021, Joseph L. Thornburg. All Rights Reserved.

(contains violence)

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Our Heroes
Caesar Campbell Innocenzio James	The Coffee Detectives
Dainty Busch Junnosuke Hashisaki	citizens at large
Lt. Simon Tennant	East Kingsley Police Department
The House of Tepelline
Lady Rose Tepelline
Carmina Tepelline-Jay	her daughter
Gordin Jay	Carmina’s husband
Koffeena Seignal	Gordin’s cousin
Vickie Aczichczech	housekeeper
From Limordin
His Excellency, Amaumite Topaloge	ambassador
Achileven Gouinduz	his assistant
Elodillette Hazinetier	his secretary
Maxenebbe Bastarses	head of security

“Does she always drive like this?” hissed Caesar, from behind the driver’s seat. On the opposite side of the back seat sat Junnosuke, who seemed oblivious to the careening and bouncing of the canary colored Rolls Royce.

“Are we there yet?” Innocenzio, his eyes tightly closed, sat between them. Without a door handle to clutch, and not wishing to grab hold of Junnosuke, he had only Caesar’s arm to hold himself steady.

“Nearly there, boys!” announced Dainty from the driver’s seat. “Look!” Just a few hundred feet ahead lay a mansion in the Beaux-Arts style. The flat-roofed structure was bedecked with balustrades, festooned with festoons, pranked with pilasters, and confused with cartouches. A whimsical menagerie of hedge animals frolicked in the garden leading to the porte-cochère, which was guarded by two glowering stone lions. On the floor above, French doors opened to stone terraces and Julian balconies of wrought-iron and gold leaf railings.

“Oh my!” exclaimed Innocenzio as they exited the car. “This place is huge!”

“It’s an optical illusion,” said Dainty. “Made to look big, but there’s only ten bedrooms.”

“Only,” said Caesar.

Dainty stabbed the doorbell. A moment later, a young woman in a maid’s uniform appeared. “Ms. Busch? Please come in.” They all stepped inside. “My name is Vickie. If there’s anything you need during your stay, please do not hesitate to let me know.” She led them down a long corridor, decorated on either side by paintings or columns topped with bric-à-brac. Finally, Vickie gestured towards an open door on the right. The group stepped inside.

“Dainty!” An elderly woman struggled to her feet with the help of a cane.

“No, no, you sit, luv!” said Dainty, but the woman was already hobbling towards her. They embraced.

“I’m so glad you could come! This must be Junnosuke.” The woman bowed, took a deep breath, and said with obvious rehearsal, “Hodgy-me-mash-tee.”

Junnosuke bowed back. “Hajimemashite. Douzo yoroshiku.”

“And this must be Julius and Innocenzio, the detectives you were telling me about.” Caesar wasn’t sure he should correct her—Dainty still insisted on calling him Julius—and neither man was sure if they should try to shake her hand, kiss it, or bow. They watched each other, hands starting to elevate, waists beginning to bend, hoping the other would know what to do. Fortunately, the woman stepped forward and took their outstretched hands in hers and clasped them firmly. “I’ve heard so much about you! I’m glad you could come!”

“This is my good friend, Lady Rose Tepelline,” said Dainty.

“Now let me do some introducing.” Lady Rose gestured grandly to a group of people about the room. “My daughter, Carmina.” A trim, petite woman with a henna perm stood and waved at them with a slender hand. “And her husband, Gordin.” A man next to Carmina also stood. He towered over her, and shuffled forward to shake everyone’s hands, which was difficult because, as stout as he was, his shapeless sports jacket was bigger still and he had to pull his sleeve back to shake hands.

“And my guest of honor, the Limordian ambassador Amaumite Topaloge.” A balding man, smartly dressed in a tuxedo decorated with many medals, bowed formally.

“His secretary Elodillette Hazinetier.”

A pert blond woman stepped forward and smiled. “Hello! I know Bergedizian names are difficult for Americans to pronounce, so you may call me Elo.”

“You may call me Mr. Bastarses,” said an igneous-faced man. He never seemed to blink and regarded everyone with some disdain. His mouth turned up at the corners just slightly in the socially obligatory modicum of a smile. “I am what you Americans call the Secret Service.”

“We have one more in our party,” said Elo. “I’m afraid he did not react well to the flight and went straight to bed when we arrived this morning.”

“My assistant, Achileven Gouinduz,” explained Amaumite.

“Weakling,” said Mr. Bastarses under his breath.

At that moment Vickie reappeared, walked to one corner to fetch a drinks cart, and approached the newcomers. “May I offer you a drink? We have an assortment of wines, spirits, and liqueurs.”

“Gin and tonic for me,” said Dainty.

“The same, please,” said Junnosuke.

Caesar and Innocenzio felt a little intimidated by the opulence and, not wanting to make too much trouble, stood wordless until finally Innocenzio said. “Uhh, the same for us.”

“I will have a whiskey sour,” said Carmina. Gordin was about to say something when Carmina cut him off. “So will my husband.”

While Vickie made the drinks, Caesar said, “You’re Limordian, Mr. Ambassador? I thought Dainty said you were from Bergediz?”

“In a manner of speaking,” said Amaumite. “Bergediz is made up of twelve states. We are from Limordin. The Limordians are unhappy with the way the Bergediz government is progressing towards fascism, so we wish to secede and form a sovereign nation.”

“Things have certainly changed since I lived there,” said Lady Rose.

“We have come to America, first to dine with your governor, then on to Washington to seek support from your government.”

“Well, I hope you succeed,” said Caesar. “But surely there are other states in Bergediz willing to join your cause?”

“No. They are fools. They are happy being led about like naive sheep.” Vickie began passing out the drinks.

“Your cause is a good one, then,” said Junnosuke. “May I ask how you know the Lady Tepelline?”

Lady Rose cackled and clapped her hands with glee. “I was living in Porsucorsi. That’s the capital of Limordin. I was in the cabaret and Amaumite was one of my biggest fans.” She winked at him. “That was ages ago.”

“Years and years and years,” added Gordin.

“If only I had met you before you met your late husband,” said Amaumite. “But I was just a young, poor government clerk at the time, beneath the notice of a great performer like yourself.”

“Oh, Vickie!” cried Carmina suddenly, making a face. “You have put too much lemon juice in our whiskey sours!”

“I am sure they are fine, my dear,” said Gordin. He took a sip and did his best not to react. He managed to smile at Vickie reassuringly.

“I’m sorry, madam. Would you like another?”

“No, no, just be more careful next time.” Carmina licked at her lips.

“When I heard Amaumite was coming to America, I invited him to spend a few days here so we could catch up on old times.”

“Perhaps you would grace us with a performance this weekend?” said Amaumite.

Lady Rose giggled. “Oh, no! I am far too old for that kind of thing.”

“I still have that photograph that you autographed. The one where you’re wearing that white and golden gown.”

“Ah, yes! You know, I still have that. I couldn’t bear to let my costumes go. I have three trunks full of them in the attic.”

Just then a man trembled uncertainly at the doorway. He was handsome but all the color was drained from his face. “I am afraid I must apologizing. I am suffering the jet lag. I am Achileven Gouinduz.”

“Are you feeling better, Achileven?” asked Elo.

“A little. I am yet feeling a bit … what is the word?” He thought for a moment. “Wake?”

“Weak,” barked Mr. Bastarses.

“Oh, yes. I’m afraid English is a much diffident language for me.”

“Achileven speaks eight languages fluently, but English seems to elude him.” said Amaumite, just slightly superciliously.

“I agree, it is difficult,” said Junnosuke, speaking slowly and clearly. “But you will learn it, I am sure.”

“Thank you.” Achileven looked at everyone around him. “When arriving, I am sleeping immediately. I am not yet meeting any of you.” Junnosuke took it upon himself to introduce everyone, and Achileven began shaking each hand in turn. Gordin took another sip from his whiskey sour and puckered his lips, just as Junnosuke introduced him to Achileven. Achileven suddenly stood straighter, seemed less wan. He clasped Gordin’s hand firmly and smiled.

“Hello, Gordin. It is nice to meeting you.” Gordin seemed slightly perplexed by the sudden change in demeanor. He tried to remove his hand, but Achileven continued holding it. “You are Lady Rose’s son?”

“Son-in-law,” corrected Lady Rose.

Achileven seemed disappointed. “That is sad.” He finally released Gordin’s hand. “I am meaning, it is sad for people who admiration to you.”

Lady Rose walked over to one corner, where there was a pedestal covered with a cloth. “Before we adjourn for dinner, I wanted to show you all my latest acquisition. I have wanted one for so long and finally I was able to get it!”

“Ah yes,” said Amaumite. “The vase!” Lady Rose looked somewhat disappointed that her big surprise had been ruined. She took one corner of the cloth and pulled it carefully to reveal a vase, about fifteen inches tall, white with cool hues of blue and gentle shades of jade, depicting in fine detail a group of people walking in a garden.

Mr. Bastarses’ scowling reserve momentarily dropped. “My … my word! A 17th century Qing Dynasty vase!”

“Oh, you know about Chinese antiques?” asked Lady Rose.

Mr. Bastarses quickly reassembled his composure. “Yes. Such items are priceless. I dare not attempt to guess its worth.”

Innocenzio said, “I remember seeing it on the news! I had no idea we’d ever meet the person who bought it. I bet it’s worth a lot.”

“Perhaps several million dollars,” purred Amaumite.

Lady Rose smiled coyly. “I shall only say it cost me a very pretty penny.”

Mr. Bastarses looked at the pedestal incredulously. “And you do not have an anti-theft system in place?”

“The outside of the house is guarded and monitored. It would be impossible for someone to actually reach the house uninvited.”

“Yes,” said Amaumite. “Additional security would be a waste.”

“Everyone, dinner is served,” announced Vickie. “If you will follow me to the dining room.” There was a long table covered with a deep red tablecloth. At the head, of course, sat Lady Rose. To her right sat Amaumite, then Achileven, Elo, Dainty, and Junnosuke. To her left sat Carmina, then Gordin, Caesar, and Innocenzio. Mr. Bastarses sat at the far end, across from Lady Rose.

Vickie picked up a platter of dinner rolls. She began placing one on everyone’s plate using a pair of silver tongs.

“I would like to propose a toast,” said Lady Rose. “To the future of Limordin! May it prevail in the face of fascism and become a beacon of democracy and freedom!” Everyone raised their glasses.

“Thank you,” said Amaumite. “I would also like to propose a toast to you, Lady Rose. I haven’t forgotten today is your birthday, my little cheritanem.”

“Yes, Mama,” said Carmina. “I would like to sing Happy Birthday for you.”

“Oh, wonderful,” smiled Amaumite. “I’m sure your daughter shares your rapturous singing talent.”

Carmina stood up. She cleared her throat, sang a few hesitant mi-mi-mis, then began:

“Happy Birthday to youuuuu …” Outside a dog, possibly an Alaskan Malamute, began howling. How the dinner party was able to hear it was remarkable because Lady Rose’s mansion was quite far from adjacent properties.

“Happy Birthday to youuuuu …” Only a singer with considerable vocal dexterity could change keys from note to note—or even within a note.

“Happy Birthday, dear Mama …”

“Is there any cheese, perhaps?” asked Elo as Vickie placed a roll on her plate.

“Happy Birthday to youuuuu!” A wine glass shattered. Everyone turned to look, but it had merely been knocked off the table by Gordin. He leapt out of his chair and used his napkin to start sweeping up the glass. Vickie put down the platter and rushed over to help him.

“Thank you,” said Lady Rose, beaming proudly at her daughter.

“I’m sorry about the glass, Mama,” said Gordin.

“Be more careful, Gordin!” pouted Carmina. “You’ve ruined my song. Perhaps I should sing it again?”

There was a horrified chorus of gasps around the table. “One must not have too much of a good thing,” said Amaumite.

Vickie folded the napkin with the broken glass and placed it on a side table and resumed passing out the rolls. She picked one up and began to put it on Gordin’s plate. Her hip brushed against his arm. He flashed a smile at her and she smiled back. Unfortunately, the distraction caused her to drop the roll, which went tumbling under the table.

“Vickie!” cried out Carmina. “Watch what you are doing!”

“I am sorry, madam.” She started to dive under the table to retrieve the roll.

“No, no, let it stay there. Just finish serving the rolls, girl!”

“I think I can just get it,” said Gordin. He reached with one leg and tried to find the roll with his foot. When he found it, he extended his other leg and grabbed the roll between his feet. Alas, it was not the roll he had found, but one of Achileven’s feet.

“Oh, I beg your pardon,” said Gordin.

“Do not worrying,” said Achileven, smiling broadly.

“Lady Rose, what is for dinner?” asked Amaumite.

“I have taken the liberty of having Vickie prepare Limordian delicacies. Huistirises, concomtaliques, boriquise …”

“What are those?” asked Junnosuke.

“Oysters, pickled cucumbers, and a kind of rich cheese pastry,” explained Gordin.

“Oh, you are liking the oysters?” asked Achileven.

“Yes, very much.”

“And liking the cucumbers?”

“Oh, no, not at all.”

“Are you thinking oysters is a good thing and cucumbers is a bad thing?”

“No, it’s not that.” Gordin patted his stomach. “They just don’t go down well.”

“I am understanding.” Achileven leaned across the table, closer to Gordin. “I am liking both, very much.”

Gordin was eager to change the subject. “Mama, I have a present for you.” He retrieved a gift which was hidden behind a sideboard on one side of the room.

“Oh, not another painting, I hope,” grumbled Lady Rose. The look on Gordin’s face indicated the gift was indeed another painting.

“Now Mama,” said Gordin. “You know I take those painting classes and I’m getting better all the time.”

“Ha! Stick figures!” She turned to Carmina. “I bet your husband doesn’t even go to art classes. He probably goes to some woman’s house for hanky-panky.”

“He wouldn’t dare,” said Carmina, looking at Gordin menacingly. “Would you?”

“Of course not, love of my life.” He thrust the gift at Lady Rose. “I hope you like it.”

She tore at the wrapping without enthusiasm and regarded the painting dubiously. “What exactly is this supposed to be? A giraffe?”

“It is my teacher, Mrs. Teller. She is very talented. Teaches painting, sculpting, pottery making, printmaking. The model never showed that night so Mrs. Teller posed for us herself. ”

Lady Rose rolled her eyes and handed the painting to Vickie. “Please dispose of this somewhere appropriate.”

Amaumite turned to Caesar and Innocenzio. “I know you are famous detectives, yes? Dainty has told Lady Rose about your adventures. I myself am fond of a good mystery, and so Dainty asked if she could invite you.”

“I don’t know if I’d say we are famous,” said Caesar. “But sure, we’d be happy to tell you some of our stories.”

A sudden gust of wind rattled the shutters. “I hope my room is very quiet,” said Mr. Bastarses. “I suffer from insomnia and need absolute quiet to be able to sleep.”

“My room seems to be very quiet,” added Amaumite, clearing his throat. “Second door on the right from the stairway.”

“Oh yes,” said Gordin. “I know that room. Very quiet indeed. If I were to walk by while you were there, you wouldn’t know I was outside, unless I knocked.” He rapped on the table playfully.

“But don’t do that tonight,” Amaumite chuckled. “I want to sleep.”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t dream of disturbing you at night. Only during the day would I knock.” He rapped again.

“You are welcome to knocking my door from any time.” Gordin turned to see Achileven winking playfully at him.

“You will find all the rooms here are very quiet,” said Lady Rose. “Now Vickie, I think we are ready for the first course.”

---

The clock in the hall had just struck one. The door to one of the bedrooms opened. Dainty stepped out, in a dressing gown decorated with large sunflowers, with matching nightcap. She peered up and down the hallway, which was mostly dark aside from where the moonlight shone through the occasional window. “Which way was the loo?” she said to herself. She began tiptoeing in one direction when she heard voices. She stepped back into shadow.

“Gordin!” said a voice.

“Who is it, who’s there?” said Gordin. He was in his pajamas, plodding with an odd gait, with his knees slightly bent and held together.

“It is I, Achileven. Why are you awakening quite late?”

“I … er, I was just going down to the kitchen to get a cookie.”

“Oh, allow me coming with you? We may eating cookies together.”

“No, no, that’s okay. Perhaps I shouldn’t go.” He patted his belly. “Carmina says I need to lose some weight.”

“That is not a truth. You are healthy appearing. Since we have meeting here, I am wishing very much speaking importantly to you.”

Gordin looked nervously about. “Can’t this wait until the morning?”

“Now, please. Very important. I am foolish, this I am knowing. You are understanding, when I first time seeing you at dinner, I knew … I am feeling something stirring.”

“Stirring?” exclaimed Gordin in dismay.

Achileven tapped himself on his chest. “Here. I am not feeling this way before about a person. Perhaps, you are also feeling this way.” He tapped Gordin’s chest gently.

“Oh, no, I don’t think so.”

Achileven leaned towards Gordin, who backed up until he was pressed against the wall. “I must say quickly. I am wanting defection.”

“You want to defect? But I thought you were here to win freedom for Limordin!”

“Yes, but I am not thinking this will happening. Limordin and Bergediz, this type person like me is not belonging there. More freedom for me here in America.”

“Oh, I’m sure that …”

“I am understanding in America, if people are loving then marriage can be.”

Gordin glanced around. “Yes, but that’s true just about anywhere in Europe, isn’t it?”

“Western Europe, mostly. Not in Bergediz or Limordin. The law says no. But if I were marrying an American, I am becoming citizen, yes?” He leaned even closer, until his face was only inches from Gordin’s.

“What are you suggesting?”

“Well, citizen marrying is good, but love marrying is more good.” Achileven took a deep breath. “You are not understanding? I am loving you, Gordin!” Dainty’s eyes widened.

“Oh, no! You can’t!”

“But yes, it is true! Beginning the first time I am seeing you. How do you Americans say it? Love at first view.”

“But … well, I am already married. To Carmina!”

Achileven sighed heavily. “I am understanding. You are feeling … like prisoner.”

Gordin nodded. “Well, something like that, yes.”

“So you agreement? If you are divorcing Carmina, you can be marrying me! And you and I will not be like prisoners.”

“Oh, no, that’s not what I meant!” But Gordin could see Achileven was not convinced. “Please, Achileven, you seem very nice and all and I’d love to help, but I just can’t …”

Achileven slumped to his knees. “I am understanding. But I cannot be going back to Europe, it is impossible! You do not understanding how it is for me.” He began to weep. “It is terrible. I am in America only a few little hours and already I am seeing I am becoming more happy here. Please, you must be helping me!”

“Really, Achileven, pull yourself together! I need to go.” Achileven started to sob loudly. Gordin reached down hesitantly to pat him on the head as some token of reassurance.

“Please, Gordin, I am begging! Please!” His voice was getting louder. “Do not forcing me go back!” He grabbed Gordin around his thighs and suddenly stopped crying. “Oh my, Gordin, what is inside your pants?”

Gordin kept glancing around. “It’s nothing! Now, please, Achileven I’ll think of something. But you must go back to your room, right now!”

“You are helping me? You are promising this?”

“I do! I mean, I am! But I need to think about this. I need to go.”

“Good, good. Coming to my room when it is possible. I am waiting for you.”

“Fine, fine.” Gordin began walking down the hall away from Achileven

“Gordin, you are hurting yourself? Why are you … the limping?”

Gordin stopped and turned around, legs crossed. “It’s nothing. I bumped into a chair in my room. I’ll be fine. But you … go back to your room!” Gordin stood and waited until Achileven reached his door.

“Do not forgetting.”

“I won’t!” As soon as Achileven’s door was shut, Gordin breathed a sigh of relief and continued limping down the hall. He was about to run into Dainty, so she stepped out of hiding.

“Oh my goodness!” he cried out. “What were you doing there?”

“Which way to the loo?”

“You mean the bathroom?” He pointed down the hall behind him.

“Oh, thanks luv.” She walked past him and into the bathroom. Gordin sighed again and continued on his way.

---

The next morning, everyone was already halfway through breakfast when Gordin made an appearance.

“I’m sorry to be so late,” offered Gordin. “I slept poorly last night.” Dainty shot a knowing look at Caesar, who nodded discreetly.

“Always late,” tutted Lady Rose.

“Never mind, Mama,” said Carmina. “Come sit next to me, Gordin.”

Amaumite downed his orange juice in one gulp. “By the way, Gordin, have you seen Achileven?”

“Achileven? No.”

“Nobody else has seen him. I thought perhaps you might know.”

“Oh, no. I haven’t seen him since dinner last night,” said Gordin.

“Maybe he’s still suffering from jet lag,” said Innocenzio.

Vickie walked in with a fresh pot of coffee and began refilling the cups. “Good morning, Gordin,” she cooed.

“Good morning to you, Vickie.” He smiled a toothy grin.

“That’s Mr. Jay to you, Vickie!” said Carmina.

“I’m sorry, madam. Good morning, Mr. Jay.”

“Don’t be so familiar with the help, Gordin.”

“I’m sorry, my dear.”

“Vickie,” said Lady Rose. “Have you seen Achileven?”

“No, madam.”

“Well, go upstairs right now and see if he’s in his room.” As Vickie turned to leave, Lady Rose added, “And after breakfast call the exterminator. I heard noises in the attic last night. Perhaps we have mice.”

“Yes, madam.” Vickie put down the pot and left.

Gordin looked around. “Where are Elo and Mr. Bastarses?”

“They left early this morning to check out the town,” said Amaumite. “They said they would be back in time for dinner.”

“Did Mr. Bastarses sleep all right?” asked Lady Rose.

“I don’t think so. But he didn’t want to disappoint Elo so they went.” He chuckled. “Frankly, I think our frowning security man is a little sweet on her.”

They heard the front door open and shut. “Vickie?” called out Lady Rose, then said to herself, “Did she go outside to look for Achileven?” Just then Vickie returned. “Vickie, did you find him?”

“No, madam. I listened at the door and heard nothing. I really didn’t want to bother him, so I opened the door, just a little, and peeked in. He wasn’t in his room at all.”

“Did you just go out the front door?”

“No—I went upstairs to Mr. Gouinduz’s room and came right back.”

“But who …?” Lady Rose was interrupted by the doorbell. “Go see who that is.” Vickie left.

“Perhaps he went for a little walk,” suggested Junnosuke.

Vickie returned. “Mr. Jay? Would you come to the door, please? There’s someone here to see you.”

Carmina looked at her husband. “Are you expecting someone? And at this hour of the morning?”

“I don’t know, my dear. I’ll take care of it, Vickie.” He left, and Vickie resumed pouring coffee.

Amaumite was studying his plate carefully. He used his spoon to scoop up some viscous gray liquid with unidentified chunks lodged in it. He turned the spoon over to let the goo fall back to his plate, but it held fast. “Lady Rose, this is an … intriguing little dish. What is it?”

“It’s a dish called country fried steak. That’s gravy on top. I thought you would like to try something typically American.”

“And this … white mush next to it. Is that also gravy?”

“Those are grits. I doubt they have such a thing in Limordin.”

Thank goodness, thought Amaumite.

Gordin reappeared with a woman. “Everyone, look who’s here! It’s my … cousin.” The woman was dressed in a floor length scarlet satin dress adorned with hundreds of beads. Over this she wore a long sleeved military style jacket made up of cascading layers of golden fringe. A green and purple feathered hat sat upon her head, and rows of pearls were slung around her neck. She teetered uncertainly on cone heel shoes; her feet were too large for them and her heels hung over the backs. In fact, all her clothes seemed a little too small for her. Dark glasses covered her eyes and a sudden smear of lipstick decorated her mouth. She carried a large fan of ostrich feathers, which she held in front of her face most of the time.

The woman cleared her throat. “Hello, everyone,” she said, quietly.

“Your cousin?” said Carmina, gesturing with her coffee cup. “Which one is this?”

“This is my cousin … Koffeena.”

“I don’t remember you having a cousin named Koffeena.”

“Well, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen each other, hasn’t it, Koffeena? Not since you were …”

“A baby,” said Koffeena.

“… in high school,” finished Gordin. “I mean, a baby. Yes, not since she was a baby.”

“A very small baby,” tittered Koffeena. Carmina saw her wink at Gordin. Koffeena looked at the group around the table. “Oh, breakfast? I am interrupting.”

“Why don’t you have a seat, Koffeena?” said Gordin, taking her hand and leading her to the table. “Vickie, bring my cousin a plate.”

“Why, Gordin, no limping?” said Koffeena. “Your leg is good again.”

“What? Oh! Oh, yes. Much better.”

Carmina eyed the two of them suspiciously. “So, my dear, what brings you to our home, out of the blue?”

“Err … the blue? What is blue?”

“Now Koffeena,” chastised Gordin gently, “you were telling me at the door that you caught a little cold yesterday and your doctor said you shouldn’t speak so much, right?” Koffeena stared blankly at Gordin, then suddenly nodded and forced a little cough. “But she was telling me she happened to be in town and thought she’d drop by and visit.”

“And she knew where we lived?”

“Of course,” said Gordin. “Everyone knows I married into the Tepelline family.”

“I will have to have a word with my security,” said Lady Rose. “They should not have let her come in without checking with me first.”

Vickie returned with a plate of food and set it in front of Koffeena, who placed a napkin on her lap and began to eat.

“Well, Koffeena, it’s very nice of you to drop by,” said Carmina, “but it’s too bad you can’t stay for lunch.”

“Oh, but of course she can stay, right, Koffeena?” said Gordin. Koffeena, her mouth packed with grits, could only nod enthusiastically.

Carmina grabbed Gordin by his collar and pulled him down so she could look him right in the eye, nearly knocking Caesar out of his chair. “Gordin,” she whispered. “It’s bad enough I catch you making eyes at Vickie, but if this … this woman turns out not to be your cousin, there will be hell to pay!”

“Oh, my dear, I promise you, I have absolutely no romantic interest in Koffeena. None whatsoever! She is my cousin after all.”

“My dear,” said Lady Rose to Koffeena. “There is something familiar about your hat. Where did you get it?”

Koffeena gulped her coffee very hard to unclog the grits. “Oh, this hat? I … a gift. Yes, a gift.”

Amaumite looked at the empty plate in front of where Achileven would have sat. “I wonder where Achileven could have gone.”

“Who is Achileven?” asked Koffeena.

“Koffeena, this is the Limordian ambassador,” said Gordin. Koffeena made a quick nod and covered her face with the fan. “Achileven is his assistant.”

“He has disappeared,” said Amaumite. “You know, Lady Rose, he is a very good assistant, but I was always a little suspicious of him. When Mr. Bastarses returns with Elo, if Achileven hasn’t returned, I shall ask his advice.”

“I’m sure he’ll show up soon,” said Gordin.

“He had better have a good explanation. Or else.”

---

It was four in the afternoon. Lady Rose was upstairs napping. Vickie was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Dainty, Junnosuke, Caesar, and Innocenzio were chatting in the parlor, enjoying some coffee and pastries. Koffeena sat alone in one corner, sipping her coffee and staring out the window.

“Koffeena,” said Innocenzio. “Why don’t you join the party? We won’t bite. Don’t be shy.”

Koffeena shifted uneasily in her chair. “Oh. I …” She made a coughing sound, pointed to her throat, and shrugged.

“It’s all right, luv,” said Dainty. “You don’t have to say a word, just sit with us.” Koffeena left her chair and sat between Dainty and Junnosuke.

“We’re all friends here, luv,” said Dainty.

“Oh. Friends.” Koffeena suddenly sniffled and discreetly dabbed at one of her eyes, still hidden under the sunglasses. “Friends. Thank you, it is good having friends.”

Carmina walked in, wearing a lavender colored bathrobe and a towel wrapped around her head.

“Hello, Carmina,” said Innocenzio. “Did you have a bath?”

“I was having my afternoon swim.” She shivered. “But it was so cold today!” She noticed Koffeena. “Good afternoon, dear. Why do you wear those dark glasses all the time? It must be difficult to see, especially inside.”

Koffeena began to sweat. She fanned herself rapidly. “My eyes are poor … the light is painful.”

“How awful,” said Innocenzio.

“But it’s not very bright in here at all,” persisted Carmina. “Why don’t you take them off so we can see your lovely face?”

“No, no, please,” protested Koffeena. Carmina was staring at her intently, as if she could remove the glasses by telekinesis. Koffeena looked around to avoid her gaze. “Where is Gordin?”

As if on cue, Gordin appeared at the doorway. “Hello, everyone. Koffeena, I trust everyone is making you feel welcome?” Koffeena nodded.

He gave Carmina a peck on her cheek. “Hello, my dear. Been for your swim?”

“Yes, my dear.” She turned to address the group. “I keep trying to convince him to join me.” She patted his stomach. “A little exercise wouldn’t hurt you, you know.”

“Oh, but you know I can’t swim, my dear.”

They all heard the front door open and close. “That must be Elo and Mr. Bastarses,” said Junnosuke.

Elo came in. “What a charming town!” She held up some bags. “We’ve been shopping.”

Lady Rose came in, her arm linked with Amaumite’s. “Good afternoon, everyone. Look who I ran into outside the dining room.”

“Did you have a good nap, Mama?”

Caesar looked past Elo. “Where is Mr. Bastarses?”

“Oh, he wanted to take another look at the vase.” She reached into one of her bags and carefully pulled out a large pink box. “I have a surprise. It’s a cake I saw at a bakery. I thought we could have it after dinner.”

“Very thoughtful of you,” said Lady Rose.

Just then, Mr. Bastarses appeared at the door. “Lady Rose, there is a problem. Will you please come with me immediately?”

“What’s the matter?”

“Your vase has been stolen.”

“What? But we just saw it a few minutes ago!”

“You had better just come look.” They all followed him into the dining room. The vase was sitting on its pedestal, as before.

“Is this a joke, Mr. Bastarses?” said Lady Rose. “It’s right there.”

“Oh, no. It may look like your precious vase, but it is a forgery.”

“How can you tell?”

“For one thing, my keen eye can tell the difference. It’s obvious whoever made this forgery had some knowledge in Qing Dynasty vases, but the lines of the illustration aren’t quite as delicate as they should be.” They all moved closer for a better look.

“It looks the same to me,” said Lady Rose.

“Then there is this.” Mr. Bastarses picked up the vase. Everyone gasped. “Qing Dynasty vases do not say ‘Made in China’ on the bottom.” He showed them.

“Oh dear,” said Gordin. “How could this have happened?”

“Yes,” said Amaumite, glancing at Gordin. “How awful.”

Lady Rose turned to Vickie, who was setting the table. “You haven’t taken it away to wash it or something, have you, girl?”

“Oh no, madam. I wouldn’t dream of touching it. I’d be afraid of breaking it.”

“By the way, I want you to build a fire in here before dinner time. It is colder than expected today.”

“Yes, madam, I will.”

Mr. Bastarses looked at the group. “Where is Achileven?” He pointed at Koffeena. “And who are you?”

“This is my cousin, Koffeena,” said Gordin. Koffeena gave a little curtsy. “She dropped by for a visit.”

“Uninvited,” added Carmina.

Mr. Bastarses peered at her. “You seem familiar to me.”

“I’m sure you’re mistaken,” said Gordin. “My cousin has never left the country before, have you, Koffeena?” Koffeena shook her head.

“Achileven has not been seen since last night,” said Amaumite. “He’s not in his room.”

“How very suspicious.”

“Well, if the vase is missing,” said Innocenzio. “Maybe we should call the police.”

“Absolutely not!” cried out Amaumite suddenly. “We cannot afford any kind of scandal. It would jeopardize our mission here.”

“Then we should at least search the house,” suggested Caesar.

“Surely it was Achileven who took the vase.”

“I agree with the ambassador,” said Gordin. “No vase, no Achileven.”

“So what am I to do?” cried Lady Rose. “Just forget about it?”

Amaumite regarded her coolly. “Lady Rose, I entreat you, let me consider some courses of action. I will discuss them with you later.”

---

Vickie was serving dinner, a more humble affair than that of the previous night: two roast chickens, steamed vegetables, salad, broiled potatoes, and then for dessert, the cake Elo brought and coffee.

“I maintain,” said Amaumite, stabbing a piece of cauliflower, “that the absent one is the guilty one. The vase is missing. Achileven is absent. Therefore, Achileven is the thief.” Gordin, sitting to his right, nodded in agreement.

“Even if he is innocent,” said Mr. Bastarses, “good riddance. I never liked him.”

“His English was appalling,” said Elo. Koffeena shifted in her seat.

“It is not that hard to learn. We all managed.” Mr. Bastarses scoffed. “What an idiot.”

“This talk is not helping me get my vase back!” exclaimed Lady Rose. “Amaumite, what are you going to do about it?”

“Patience, my dear.”

Carmina had begun fanning herself. “Vickie! You have built the fire too strongly. It’s roasting in here!” She took off her scarf, folded it, and put it on the table next to her plate.

“Let’s not be too harsh on him,” said Gordin. “After all, you said he speaks eight other languages fluently.”

“So what? Most of them are from the same language family tree. It’s not as impressive as it sounds.”

“And he never discussed his private life,” said Elo. “As if we couldn’t tell he was one of those apikverts. Disgusting.” She sneered.

“Please, excusing me,” croaked Koffeena, and she left the room in a hurry.

“He was an efficient enough assistant, very observant,” said Amaumite, absentmindedly wiping his mouth with Carmina’s scarf. “That’s the only reason I kept him around. But it made my skin crawl whenever he stood behind me. An independent Limordin does not need apikverts dirtying our culture.”

Caesar and Innocenzio exchanged looks. They had a pretty good idea what apikverts meant. Innocenzio was just about to say something when Lady Rose spoke. “Now, now, Amaumite, I thought you were more open-minded than that.” She finished her cup of coffee and poured another for herself.

“There is a limit to everything, even tolerance.”

“So what should we do?” asked Elo. “We do not wish to involve the American police. Does he just get away with the vase?”

“He will not get far,” said Mr. Bastarses. “I went through his belongings. For some reason he left his visa behind. In fact, he seems to have left all his belongings behind. I have also taken the liberty of canceling his credit cards and his cellphone. He might try to plead for asylum, which I doubt he will get, and he will be deported. Even if he is allowed to stay, they will surely relieve him of that vase.”

“And if they catch him with the vase,” said Amaumite to Lady Rose, “I personally will make sure you get it back. This I swear.”

---

“Vickie! What is the meaning of this?” Lady Rose gestured at the breakfast table. There was a large bowl of fruit, a pot of coffee, and a row of cereal boxes. Dainty, Innocenzio, Junnosuke, Caesar, and Koffeena had come down and were taking seats around the table.

“I am very sorry, madam. I did not have time to prepare breakfast.”

“What do you mean? You are usually so diligent. This …” She gestured again. “This looks like you threw it together at the last minute.”

Vickie seemed distracted and looked haggard. “If everyone will wait I can try to make something better.”

“No, no, we will make do with this. But do not let it happen again!” She looked down the table. “Paper napkins! Honestly, Vickie! Fetch some proper ones immediately.”

“Yes, madam. I’ll just run to the laundry.” She ran out.

“Honestly, girl, what have you been doing all morning?” called Lady Rose after her. She looked at Carmina, who had come in and was just sitting down. “Where is your husband? He is always late!”

“I do not know, Mama. He wasn’t in bed this morning. I assumed he went for a walk.” She looked around the room. “Has anyone seen my scarf?”

“A walk? Not that lazy husband of yours. Really, my dear, I have tried to be accepting, I have bitten my tongue so many times, but I have never understood what you see in him. You had so many other suitors, much better ones! Like that … what was his name? Mr. Amokurt?”

“Oh, Mama! He was a mortician!” She shivered. “And he had a bad heart.”

“But a very successful mortician! Not like that unemployed talentless husband of yours.” She gestured towards Koffeena. “And to invite this strange woman without asking.” She looked at Koffeena. “I’m sorry, my dear, it is nothing personal.” She looked at the cereal and grabbed the nearest box, which said Krazy Kandy Kracks, and rolled her eyes. “Obviously one of your husband’s cereals. What is he, five years old?” She tossed the box aside and reached for a box labeled Spelti-Os. “And where is the sugar? Vickie! Vickie!” But Vickie failed to appear. “Does no one pay any attention to an old woman?” She started to get up.

“No, Mama, I will get it.” Carmina ran into the kitchen. Dainty shrugged and grabbed a banana. Junnosuke followed suit and grabbed an orange. Elo and Mr. Bastarses came in and took their seats.

“And which one of you,” said Lady Rose with a baleful eye, “was running up and down the stairs last night?”

“Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of bed this morning,” whispered Innocenzio to Dainty, who shushed him.

“What do you mean?” asked Elo.

“I couldn’t sleep. I shouldn’t have had all that coffee at dinner. I heard someone run up the stairs, then down, then up again.”

“About what time?” asked Caesar.

“Does it matter what time?” she snapped, then her demeanor softened. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be so rude. You are my guests after all. I think I will go back to bed after breakfast.”

“By the way, where is the ambassador?” asked Caesar, just as Amaumite walked in. Everyone bade him good morning, but he barely nodded in acknowledgment.

“And how did you sleep, Amaumite?” asked Mr. Bastarses.

“Something of mine seems to have gone missing,” said Amaumite in an icy tone. He too cast a baleful eye at everyone. Vickie walked in with the napkins and went around the table, swapping them for the paper ones.

“Oh dear,” said Dainty. “I’m sure it will turn up.”

Amaumite scowled. “I doubt it.”

“Sometimes,” said Mr. Bastarses evenly, “it’s best to forget all about such things.”

“Yes,” said Elo, smiling at Mr. Bastarses. “That would be the best thing to do.”

Carmina returned, carrying two suitcases. “Do you have the sugar?” asked Lady Rose. “And what are you doing with those suitcases?”

“I found them in the pantry.” She held up the larger one. “This one is Gordin’s. The other, I don’t know.” She put them on the table and opened Gordin’s and began digging through its contents. “Clothing, passport, toiletries. And these.” She held up two envelopes, then opened one and gasped. “Two tickets to Mexico! For Gordin Jay and … Victoria Aczichczech!” Vickie dropped the napkins. “Vickie! Why do you and my husband have these tickets?”

“Well, I … you see …”

Carmina tore open the other envelope. “This looks like money, but I don’t recognize it.” She held it up for everyone to see.

“Is that Bergedizian money?” asked Caesar.

Mr. Bastarses took the money from Carmina. “Yes. These are Bergedizian lifran notes.”

“You guys don’t use euros?” said Innocenzio.

Mr. Bastarses shook his head. “The euro does not suit Bergedizian or Limordian economic circumstances.” He counted the money. “Fifty-thousand lifran. About eleven thousand American dollars.”

“Vickie! Explain yourself!”

“Oh, madam, I don’t know anything about that money!” She began to cry. “I swear, I have never seen it before!”

“But why were you and my husband going to Mexico?”

“I told you he was no good,” said Lady Rose. “He is sleeping with the help!”

“Perhaps it would be best if we excused ourselves from this conversation,” said Amaumite. He got up to leave. “Mr. Bastarses,” he said, turning at the door. “If I might have a word with you in private?” Mr. Bastarses followed him out.

“Excuse us,” said Elo, and she left as well. Carmina tore open the other suitcase, which contained women’s clothing.

“Now Vickie, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Vickie was still crying. “Oh, madam, Gordin … I mean, Mr. Jay and I, we were going to run away to Mexico.”

“But why?”

Vickie was suddenly defiant and stopped crying. “Because we are in love. Mr. Jay … Gordin said he had a plan so we could leave here and live comfortably.”

“Leave here?” cried Carmina. “Don’t be ridiculous. Why should he leave here? Why should he leave me?”

“He was tired of you. Your constant nagging. He wanted someone prettier, younger.” She pointed at Lady Rose and addressed the guests. “She made Gordin sign a pre-nup before she’d let him marry Carmina. He will not inherit a penny from either of them! He was entirely dependent on them, financially.”

“And this is exactly why!” said Lady Rose, pointing a finger back at Vickie. “I knew he couldn’t be trusted.”

“Eleven thousand dollars wouldn’t last very long.” mused Caesar. “What was this plan?”

“I don’t know! He just said I should trust him. And I don’t know anything about that money.”

“Well, obviously those lifran came from the Limordians,” said Innocenzio. “But did they give it to Gordin or did he steal it?”

There was suddenly a ruckus coming from upstairs. Shouting, scuffling and the heavy shuffling of feet, the sound of something shattering, and then a heavy thud. Everyone (except Lady Rose, who was hobbling as quickly as she could) ran up the stairs and towards the first open door of a room occupied by the Limordians. It was Mr. Bastarses’ room. He and Elo were standing over Amaumite, who was lying on the floor. Shards of pottery were all around him.

“What on earth is going on here?” demanded Caesar.

“Self-defense,” said Mr. Bastarses, massaging his throat. “Amaumite attacked me.”

“Is that the Qing vase?” asked Innocenzio, and he knelt to examine the pieces. Junnosuke knelt to examine the ambassador.

“Not dead. Just unconscious.”

“Amaumite attacked you and you broke a priceless vase over his head?” asked Caesar.

“Not exactly,” said Mr. Bastarses. He was standing with his legs tightly crossed at the knees. “He attacked me, and Elo broke the vase over his head, trying to protect me.”

“What’s the matter, luv?” asked Dainty. “Need to go to the loo? I know exactly where it is.”

By this time, Lady Rose had joined them. “Oh, no! My vase, my vase!” She thrust a finger at Elo. “You will pay for that! That was worth seven million dollars!”

“No, it wasn’t,” said Innocenzio. He held up a piece of the vase for everyone to see some writing on it. It read Made in China.

“Another fake?” said Caesar. “What were you all doing with it?”

“Amaumite had it,” said Mr. Bastarses. He said he had stolen the vase and wanted me to hide it for him. I refused and he tried to strangle me.”

“That is not true!” Amaumite had come to and was sitting up.

Vickie suddenly screamed. She was looking out the window at something. “Oh, no!” She ran out the room and down the stairs. Caesar looked: below Mr. Bastarses’ window was the pool, and in it floated a man’s body, fully dressed. Everyone ran out the room except Mr. Bastarses, Elo, and Junnosuke.

“You’re not coming?” asked Junnosuke.

Mr. Bastarses and Elo exchanged looks. “I’m sure we’re not needed,” said Mr. Bastarses.

“Then I will wait here with you.” Junnosuke scowled at them, unmoving and unblinking.

“Oh, very well,” said Mr. Bastarses finally. He and Elo left the room, and Junnosuke followed. Mr. Bastarses walked gingerly, taking the stairs one step at a time. Even at this slow pace, they passed Lady Rose and made their way outside.

By the pool, Vickie had been trying to use the skimmer to reach the body. A trilby floated indifferently nearby. Junnosuke and Innocenzio took the skimmer from Vickie and pulled the body to the edge, then hauled it out and lay it on its back. It was Gordin. His hands were tied together with a piece of cloth.

“My scarf!” said Carmina.

“Should we try mouth-to-mouth?” asked Innocenzio.

“No. Look!” Caesar pointed at Gordin’s throat. There were bruises and a red welt all around it. “He’s been strangled. I bet he was dead before he got dumped in the pool.”

Vickie was crying again. But Koffeena had fallen to her knees and was wailing hysterically and calling out, “Gordin! Gordin!”

“What is all the fuss?” snapped Lady Rose, finally arriving. “You haven’t seen him since you were a baby!”

“Mr. Ambassador,” said Caesar. “I’m sure you will agree with me when I say we must now call the police.”

“And I still insist you do not!”

“But this is murder!”

“In any case, I claim diplomatic immunity for myself and my party.”

“I’m afraid,” said Caesar. “You do not have diplomatic immunity.”

“Yes, we do! We are here as representatives of Bergediz, a nation recognized by both your country and the United Nations. We have treaties!”

Caesar shook his head. “Nope. You’re not here officially representing Bergediz. You may be Bergedizian citizens, but you are here representing Limordin, which is not recognized as a sovereign nation nor has it treaties with anyone.”

“If we were in Limordin and I were in power, I’d have you all shot!”

“Thanks for telling us what kind of power you represent. I get the feeling it’s not Bergediz that’s fascist, it’s Limordin.”

Amaumite was turning purple with apoplexy. “How dare you! Who are you to say this to me?”

Innocenzio swooped in for the kill. “We … are detectives!”

“The Coffee Detectives,” added Dainty. “You like detectives, remember? And if anyone can figure out what’s going on, it’s these boys. Besides …” She held up her cellphone and waved it playfully at Amaumite. “I’ve already called the coppers.”

She turned to Caesar and Innocenzio and whispered. “You better work fast if you want to solve this before they arrive.”

Innocenzio paced up and down one side of the pool for a moment, then whispered to Caesar. “Any ideas?”

“Just bits and pieces.”

“Me too, but I think I know what happened.”

“Then, by all means …” They both turned to face the others, who were watching them expectantly.

“We have two fake vases and a bunch of Bergedizian money,” announced Innocenzio. “Obviously somebody planned to substitute a fake vase for the real one.”

“Ah!” said Dainty. “The money was to pay for the vase.”

“Don’t be absurd,” scoffed Mr. Bastarses. “Fifty thousand lifran wouldn’t begin to pay for such a treasure.”

“It was seven million dollars,” said Lady Rose.

Mr. Bastarses did some rapid computations. “Nearly thirty-two million lifran.”

“So why did Gordin have lifran on him anyway?”

Innocenzio continued: “My guess is someone—I’m looking at you, Limordians!—arranged for Gordin to swap the real vase for a fake and pay him for the trouble. Gordin wasn’t after the vase; he was getting it for someone else.”

Caesar spoke. “I bet that fake came from his art teacher. He said she was skilled at pottery making.”

“Yes! He had her make a fake for him.”

“But why two fake vases?” asked Junnosuke. “Or any at all? If Gordin were going to sneak away in the night with Vickie and the vase and flee the country, why bother with a substitute?”

“My guess is he decided to double-cross whoever had paid him to get the vase. He would substitute one fake for the real one, then give the fake to Mr. X …”

“Or Ms. X,” added Dainty, looking at Elo.

“… then give the fake to Mr. or Ms. X, and keep the real one for himself,” finished Innocenzio.

“Ah,” said Caesar. “Vickie did say he ‘had a plan’ so they could get away.”

“Wait now,” said Dainty. “The real vase was there Friday evening, before dinner. And Mr. Bastard …”

“That’s Bastarses!”

“I know what I said, luv. You said on Saturday that it was a fake.”

“The solution seems simple enough,” said Amaumite. “Achileven was the one who paid Gordin to swap the vases. They were obviously in cahoots, the way Achileven was fawning all over him. He got the real vase then disappeared.”

“But that doesn’t explain why there are two fake vases,” said Innocenzio. “Dainty told us she witnessed a conversation between Gordin and Achileven after midnight, on Saturday morning.”

“That’s right!” said Dainty. “And neither one said anything about a vase.”

“I suspect Gordin was on his way to switch the vases when Achileven interrupted him. After Achileven goes back to his room, Gordin swaps the vases. He now has the real vase and a second fake. He gives the other fake the next day to Mr. or Ms. X. Then, when Mr. Bastarses comes back in the afternoon, he says the one on the pedestal is a fake.”

“It doesn’t seem,” said Caesar, “that Mr. Bastarses would draw attention to the fact it was a fake if he was the one who arranged all this. After all, none of the rest of us could tell the difference.”

“I agree. There was also a very strange exchange at dinner Friday evening. The ambassador said to Gordin that his room was the second door on the right from the stairway. And Gordin said something about knocking on his door, and the ambassador said not to knock that evening.”

Caesar said, “And Gordin said he would only knock during the day. What kind of a conversation is that anyway?”

“A perfectly innocent one,” said Amaumite. “I was merely remarking how quiet my room was.”

“Nope, I don’t buy that,” said Innocenzio. “You were the one who asked Gordin to get the vase for you, and you paid him fifty thousand lifran to do it!”

“How dare you!” Amaumite’s eyes bulged and he snorted through clenched teeth. “I do not have it! You may search my room to your heart’s content!”

“Naah, that won’t be necessary. Gordin gave you a vase but it wasn’t until Mr. Bastarses pointed out the one on the pedestal was a fake that you realized yours was too.”

“You really should learn to keep your mouth shut, luv,” said Dainty. “You said at breakfast this mornin’ that somethin’ was missin’ from your room.”

“And so what if I stole a fake vase? It is worthless, especially now that it is broken. One should not steal anything, even a worthless fake, but it is hardly worth bothering the authorities.”

“Ah yes,” said Innocenzio. “Here’s where it gets interesting. You realized you had a fake. Gordin was going to make his getaway early Sunday morning. He told Vickie to meet him in the kitchen. But he went down first, and you probably heard him. You followed him to the kitchen, and argued about the vase. When he wouldn’t give it to you, you killed him.”

Amaumite laughed derisively. “Are all you Americans so stupid? You have no proof. Besides, it was Carmina’s scarf tied around his wrists. And she suspected he was cheating on her. Jealous women have killed husbands all throughout history.”

“True, but not this time. She took her scarf off at dinner Saturday evening.” Innocenzio suddenly stabbed a finger towards Amaumite. “And you took it to wipe your mouth! You had it last! Remember, she couldn’t find it this morning.”

“An act. She was merely pretending!”

“Perhaps, but let us imagine tiny Carmina strangling her giant husband in the kitchen, then dragging his body out to the pool. Unless she’s secretly a superhero, she wouldn’t have the strength.”

“She swims!”

“Gordin has marks of strangulation around his neck—and so did Mr. Bastarses when you attacked him.”

“Coincidence!” Amaumite took a threatening step towards Innocenzio, but Junnosuke interceded between them. “Mr. Bastarses, do your job!” barked the ambassador. “Remove this … Yappastiche!”

But Mr. Bastarses didn’t move. “I think the detectives are right,” he said smugly. “You are the guilty culprit.”

“You strangled him,” continued Innocenzio, “tied his wrists with Carmina’s scarf, and threw him into the pool. Then you took the vase and went back to your room. Vickie probably showed up shortly afterwards, found Gordin’s suitcase, and waited for him.”

“Yes, that’s it exactly,” said Vickie. “I thought maybe he had forgotten something upstairs. I waited and waited, then I guess I fell asleep in the kitchen. When I awoke, the guests were just beginning to come down for breakfast.”

Lady Rose had been listening to all this patiently. “But I do not understand. Why did he attack Mr. Bastarses?”

“When Amaumite awoke, he must’ve realized he had another fake. Now who could’ve taken it? He mentioned a missing item from his room.”

“Yes,” Caesar said. “Then Mr. Bastarses said something odd. He said, ‘Sometimes it’s best to forget all about such things.’ I think he was hinting.”

“Lady Rose,” said Innocenzio. “You said you heard someone running on the stairs in the night? How exactly did they run?”

“Up, then down, then up again.”

“But not down first?”

Lady Rose thought for a moment. “Definitely not.”

“So whoever was running was already downstairs. Was it Gordin before he died? But he was trying to sneak out of the house. Was it Amaumite? Perhaps. But he had just killed Gordin. He wouldn’t want to attract attention to himself.”

Caesar saw where he was going. “Wait a minute. Amaumite had tried to strangle Mr. Bastarses.”

“Bingo. Mr. Bastarses, probably suffering from insomnia that night, must’ve heard the ambassador going down the stairs after Gordin. He followed stealthily, and witnessed the murder. The ambassador drags the body outside …”

“… giving him time to grab the real vase from Gordin’s suitcase, take it to his room, grab the fake from Amaumite’s room and put it in Gordin’s suitcase for Amaumite to find!”

Innocenzio was pleased with himself. The non-Limordians seemed to nod in agreement. The siren call of approaching police cars could be heard in the distance.

“But wait a bloody minute!” cried Dainty. “Where is the real vase?”

“Ha!” Mr. Bastarses tried to assume a superior stance, but he wouldn’t uncross his knees. “You may search my room as well, you will not find it.”

Koffeena suddenly came out of her grief and looked at Mr. Bastarses. “The way you are standing …”

“Shh,” said Dainty. “Don’t give yourself away, luv. I think the boys have figured it out.”

Innocenzio strolled over to Mr. Bastarses. “I know you don’t like apikverts like me and Caesar and Achileven. We don’t like you, either. And believe me, I don’t get any pleasure out of doing what I’m about to do. I’m doing this strictly in the interest of solving this mystery.” And he plunged his hand down the front of Mr. Bastarses’ pants.

Mr. Bastarses was about to strike him but Junnosuke caught his hand. “Don’t move or I will …” He turned to Dainty. “Dis … dis … dakkyuu to iu koto …?” He crooked one shoulder at an odd angle.

“He’ll dislocate your bleedin’ arm,” promised Dainty, charitably.

Innocenzio fished around for a few seconds, then withdrew his hand. In it was the vase. He tipped it so everyone could see the bottom of it. It did not say Made in China. He handed it to Lady Rose. “You really should get some better security.”

“How did you know?” she asked.

“Dainty said Gordin was walking with a limp that night, which was gone the next morning at breakfast. Even Koffeena said so.” Koffeena nodded in confirmation. “And here’s Mr. Bastarses walking around with a limp.”

Dainty laughed. “Achileven asked Gordin about somethin’ in his pants. I thought maybe Gordin was gettin’ excited!”

Lieutenant Tennant came through the back door with several uniformed policemen. “Hello, Coffee Detectives! What’s going on?”

Dainty pointed to the Limordians. “Arrest him for murder and robbery, and arrest him for robbery, and arrest her for … for … uhh …?”

“Accessory,” said Caesar. “She knew Mr. Bastarses had the vase. She would not have broken the real vase over Amaumite’s head.” He turned to Innocenzio. “Well, if solving this case doesn’t make you an official Coffee Detective, I don’t know what does!”

---

A week later, at BaxCam Coffees, the morning rush was over. Elijah was wiping tables and Cadence was making an Americano for the only customer in the shop. Caesar was taking a break, sitting at a table, sipping coffee. Dainty was sitting with him, laying siege to a plate of colorful macarons. Junnosuke was reading a book in Japanese. Innocenzio was finishing an egg sandwich.

Benjy walked up and tossed an envelope on the table. “You guys might want to take a gander at that.” It was addressed to Caesar and Innocenzio. The return address said From The Office of The Governor. Caesar snatched it first, tore it open, and read the letter.

“This is from the governor, thanking us for solving the case and preventing Amaumite and his gang from causing her office any embarrassment!”

“The ambassador was supposed to have dinner with her,” said Dainty. “Wouldn’t have looked good to have ’er picture taken with a bunch of bloody fascists.”

The door opened, and in walked Achileven, dressed in a mint collared shirt and jeans. “May I joining you?”

Caesar introduced him to Benjy, then asked, “So what’s going on?”

“I have speaking to your friend Per …” He struggled with the name. “Per-sep-honey Prim-rose. She is saying she does not handling asylum and defection but her friend is knowing much so her friend will helping me.”

“That’s great!”

“And I must thanking you. You did not telling the ambassador that I was pretending being Koffeena. Were you not knowing this?”

“We figured it out pretty quickly. But what happened after you ran into Gordin in the hallway?”

“He is coming to my room maybe after twenty minutes. He is saying he will helping me. We are going to the attic where Lady Rose was having big boxes of … customs?”

“Costumes,” said Junnosuke.

“I am dressing up as a woman, pretending the man Achileven has gone away.”

“Ah,” said Innocenzio. “Lady Rose said she thought she heard mice in the attic.”

Achileven laughed. “Oh no, no mice, only me and Gordin. But now I must asking. Why did you not asking police arresting me?”

“You didn’t break any laws,” said Caesar.

“And we had a pretty good idea you needed help,” added Innocenzio. “We apikverts have to stick together.”

Achileven winced. “Oh, please, do not using that ugly word. In Bergediz, it is for calling names to men like us.”

Benjy spoke. “The boys here told me Limordin was trying to become a fascist country, but why didn’t you just go to another state if the rest of Bergediz was more of a democracy?”

“Bergediz is not fascist, this is the truth, but even there, men like me are not being as free as other men.”

There was a flash of light. Dainty had taken a photo with her phone of the letter from the governor.

“What are you doing, Dainty?” asked Caesar. She ignored him and was typing with her thumbs. When she finished, she triumphantly stabbed the send button.

“Just giving you a little extra publicity!” She showed him her phone. She had posted the photo on Twipper with the hashtag TheCoffeeDetectives. “And I think I have a little idea …”

The End