Paradise Place

Paradise Place
©2021, Joseph L. Thornburg. All Rights Reserved. Thanks to Kain Thornn for technical advice. Originally posted February 27, 2021; revised March 3, 2021.

(contains violence, language, mature themes)

“Is that a convenience store ahead?” Innocenzio peered into the darkness. Far beyond the headlight beams of Caesar’s car, there was a light. They were driving through a completely desolate area of barren hills, the paved road being the only sign of civilization. There was no moon, so it was pitch black outside. Caesar sighed.

“How weird,” continued Innocenzio. “It looks like the light is flashing green and pink. Funny colors for a convenience store sign.” As they drew closer, they saw that the light source indeed was a sign, in the middle of which was a big green neon lizard. The lights would flash in such a way to make the lizard’s tail seem to flick from side to side, while its tongue darted in and out of its mouth. Above and below the lizard, in pink neon letters, were the words The Pink Skink. The S and final K in the word Skink would stay illuminated for a second, then flash alternately a few times, then go back to fully illuminated. This made the word Skink change to Skin then to Kink, and then the cycle began again. The sign stood outside an entirely dark building. Several cars, pickups, and motorcycles were parked hither and thither in the dirt around it.

“Oh, geez,” said Caesar as they approached the door. “Is this a biker bar?” A burly man with a shaved head and wearing a black tank top was standing just outside the door. His biceps looked like enormous hams—enormous hams with dragon tattoos. They could hear a rhythmic thudding from inside the building. The man with the biceps held open the door for them. They stepped into a small vestibule. The thudding turned out to be music, louder now, of the oonce-oonce variety, and they could hear much hooting and hollering.

“Welcome to The Pink Skink,” a voice said. “I’m Dazzle.” To their right was a counter, behind which sat a blonde woman.

“We’re lost,” exclaimed Caesar. “Can you tell us where we are?”

“You mean you didn’t come here on purpose?” chuckled Dazzle. “That’s a new one.”

“We went to Flanders to see a show in the afternoon then got stuck in rush hour traffic,” explained Innocenzio. “Caesar’s phone’s GPS said to take the Gecko Highway as an alternate but … we got lost somehow and ended up here.”

“And I can’t get a signal now,” grumbled Caesar.

Dazzle regarded them with amusement. “Anyway, since you asked, this is the unincorporated community of Lares Land’s End.”

The name meant nothing to either man. “Well, we’re trying to get to East Kingsley,” said Caesar.

Now Dazzle laughed out loud. “East Kingsley? Boy, did you make a wrong turn!” She pointed out the door. “Go left on that road. Drive about forty miles until you get to Mirage Lane. Turn left again, drive another twenty, you’ll hit the Gecko Highway. Turn right, it’ll take you to East Kingsley.”

“Thank you,” said Caesar. He started to head back out the door.

“Caesar, it’s way past dinner time,” said Innocenzio. “Why don’t we take a break?” He turned to Dazzle. “Are you guys a bar? Can we get something to eat?”

Dazzle rolled her eyes and started to chuckle again, then stopped abruptly and stared at the men. “You really don’t know where you are, do you?” They shook their heads. “We have a bar and yes, you can get something to eat.” She pointed towards another doorway. The men shrugged and walked through.

Directly ahead on the far wall, three men were seated at different points at a long bar. To the right was a small stage, garishly lit. Disco balls hung over the audience, casting their artificial wonder on the walls. Scattered throughout the room at little tables were two dozen or so men. All of them had their eyes glued on the stage. And on that stage was another blonde woman, dressed in what was surely not a regulation Candy Striper uniform: hospital volunteers don’t usually wear fishnet stockings and microskirts.

“Oh geez,” said Caesar again. “It’s a strip club!”

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
Our Heroes
Caesar Campbell & Innocenzio James
The Pink Skink
Valentine Severin	owner
Bud “Budgie” Morris	bartender
Kenny “Carcass” Ballion	bouncer
Daisy “Dazzle” McCay	dancers
Mandy “Candy Mandy” Carruthers
Christine “Banshee” McCarrick
Dolly “Cannons” McGeoch
Belladonna “Peekaboo” Pirroni
assorted patrons

Click here to see a diagram of The Pink Skink (opens in new window).

The woman marched back and forth, her hips a-swiveling and her eyes a-winking at the audience. She strode to the center of the stage and undid a couple of buttons on her blouse, revealing a lacy red bra. “Who wants some Candy Mandy?” she squealed, and shook her ample cleavage. Actual pieces of candy, from golden butterscotch disks to gaily painted peppermints, from foamy root beer barrels to spicy cinnamon pellets, all individually wrapped, came flying out of her bra. Candy Mandy, for that was the woman’s name, was able to shake and walk at the same time, ensuring all the men had an equal opportunity in acquiring some confectionery treats.

“I guess we get food at the bar,” said Caesar. As they forged their way through the tables, the audience let loose with cries of disapproval.

“Move it, assholes!” shouted one man, craning his neck to see Candy Mandy.

“Next time you’ll take the long way,” said the bartender, pointing towards the wall opposite the stage. His name badge read Budgie. “What can I get for you gentleman?”

Caesar looked at the little paper menu on the counter. “Uhh, I guess a couple of burgers and some fries.”

“Out of burgers since yesterday, sorry. We’ve got hot dogs.”

Seeing nothing else on the menu, Caesar nodded.

“Okay,” said Budgie. “That’ll take about five minutes. Anything to drink?”

“Just a cola for me,” said Caesar.

Innocenzio looked at the expansive bar. “Since my friend is driving, any chance I can get a shot of Resolut Vodka Papaya?”

“Nothing like that here. But if you’re in the mood for something tropical, we do carry a Véré Nís guava brandy.”

“Very nice?”

“It is, my friend, but that’s also the brand name. V-É-R-É, space, N-Í-S.” He flicked the diacritics in the air with his finger as he spelled. Caesar knew they were meaningless, used only to make the product seem fancy.

“I’ll give it a try,” said Innocenzio. The bartender went to the far end of the bar and through a doorway. Innocenzio reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a milk cream candy, slightly melted and now sticky and gooey.

“I see you got some candy,” said Caesar.

“Interesting young woman on that stage, don’t you think?”

“Probably not popular with the dentists.”

The bartender returned and put a bottle of cola in front of Caesar and popped the cap for him. In front of Innocenzio, he placed a glass and a bottle. He showed Innocenzio the bottle, then poured a shot. Innocenzio took the glass, toasted the bartender, and downed the drink. He savored it thoughtfully then concluded, “This is wonderful!”

“Is Budgie really your name?” asked Caesar.

The bartender smiled. “No. It’s Bud Morris. But the boss says everyone here has to have a nickname. So I’m Budgie …” He pointed at the woman on the stage. “… that’s Candy Mandy. You probably already met Dazzle. We have a Peekaboo, she’ll be on later. We used to have a Carnival. We have a Fireworks but it’s her day off. Then there’s …”

“Okay, I get the idea,” said Caesar.

“Does the boss have a nickname?” asked Innocenzio.

“When your name is Valentine Severin, you don’t need a nickname.”

Caesar waved his cell at Budgie. “By the way, I can’t get a signal.”

“Not out here. The boss has a landline phone in his office, and that’s it.”

“What if someone needs to make a call?”

“Most guys come here to get away from the real world. Why, do you need to make a call?”

Caesar shook his head. “Just curious.” Budgie nodded, then went back to the kitchen. Caesar turned to Innocenzio. “So, good drink?”

“Oh yes. Funny bottle, though.” He showed Caesar the bottle.

Caesar regarded the label with bemusement. “Looks like some high schooler designed it in computer class—in 1980.”

“Well, that’s the look these days. You know, faux retro.”

“I guess.”

Innocenzio turned to Budgie, who had returned, and held up the bottle. “Where can I get this?”

“You know, I don’t know. We have vendors that come out and bring us some of our booze, but the boss brought that one in. He’s always bringing in some exotic flavor of Véré Nís. Got it from a friend of his, I guess. I’ve never seen it in stores, either. Can’t even find it online. Anyway, the customers like it.”

“Maybe he makes it himself?” offered Innocenzio.

Budgie chuckled. “Could be. Maybe he’s a moonshiner.”

“How long has this place been here?” asked Caesar.

“About two years. I was the first person Valentine hired.” A beeping sound came from the kitchen. Budgie left, then returned with their hot dogs and two plastic baskets of crinkle cut fries. “Excuse me, gentlemen.” He wiped his hands hurriedly on a towel, reached under the counter, and pulled up a microphone. He flipped a switch and announced, “Gentlemen, let’s have a big handy for Candy Mandy! And now …” Innocenzio leaned over the counter and saw a control box of some kind with several switches and faders. Budgie flipped two switches and the stage lighting went from bright primary colors to a ghostly white spotlight. From one side of the stage a dry ice machine began belching fog. A figure appeared near the back of the stage in the shadows. Budgie continued his announcement “Here’s our very own queen of the night. Let’s hear a big scream for BANSHEE!”

The men in the audience let out a surprisingly high-pitched chorus of screams and squeals. The figure suddenly leapt into the spotlight. Innocenzio carried his food to an empty table for a better look; Caesar followed.

“Oh, my god!” cried Innocenzio. “That’s Christine McCarrick!”

“Who?”

“She’s in Pointing Bone!” When Caesar shrugged, Innocenzio added, “That’s a punk band!” He began screaming along with the other men.

An ostinato of timpani began to play over the speakers, accompanied by a jangled electric guitar. Banshee stood poised on spiked stiletto heels which added about six inches to her height, and her hair had been dyed and teased into a fiery red mohawk which added six more. Otherwise, her head was completely shaved. Polished metal spikes adorned her black latex outfit, and she wore a heavy chrome collar around her neck. She brandished a riding crop and waved it menacingly at the audience. Darting forward, she began to keen, quietly at first, then increasing in volume. The louder she got, the more fragmented her voice became, until finally she was screaming. It became impossible to tell the difference between her voice and the electric guitar. The men in the audience sat transfixed, hypnotized by her götterdämmerung of a voice. Then, unexpectedly, her voice and the music jerked to a stop and she dropped her head, her eyes falling into shadow. Everyone in the audience froze; the only movement was the light from the disco balls. Then, after a pregnant silence, the audience gave birth to enthusiastic applause and more screams. Banshee playfully whipped some of the men closest to the stage. One even stood up, turned away from her, and bent over to present his buttocks. The music began again and she started to sing, but in contrast to the serrated howling of a moment ago, she sang in a swooping soprano tone, pure like a bell.

“That’s Brünnhilde’s battle cry from Die Walküre,” said Innocenzio, taking a bite from his hot dog.

Caesar noticed an impossibly thin man standing in front of the coat check counter, talking to Dazzle. His oil slick pompadour contrasted sharply with his woolly white eyebrows. Deep lines cascaded from his cheekbones and fell into folds which sagged around the checkerboard that served as his teeth.

“Check him out,” said Caesar.

Innocenzio and the man’s eyes met at the same time. The man stared for a moment, then nodded almost solemnly. He turned back to Dazzle, winked, made his way up a small flight of stairs to the right of the stage, then disappeared behind some curtains.

“I bet that’s Valentine,” said Innocenzio.

Banshee was finishing her song; most of her spiked clothing now littered the stage, like tiny stegosauruses. One man with a beard tried to snatch a glove, presumably as a souvenir, but Banshee stepped on his hand, her heel grinding into his extensor digitorum. It was a painful anatomy lesson.

“No freebies, mate,” she hissed. She lifted her foot. The man snatched his hand away and buried it in his armpit and looked cowed, like a schoolboy who just realized he was the only one who forgot to wear green on St. Patrick’s Day. Banshee collected her clothing and walked offstage.

Budgie was back on the mic. “Everyone, let’s all clap our hands for Banshee! Well, everyone except that gentleman in the beard!” The crowd roared with laughter, but the bearded man looked at Budgie unsteadily, still nursing his hand. He looked like he might be sick. “Shit,” said Budgie to himself. “Banshee might’ve gone a little too far.” He hit two switches again and the stage lighting changed to a red, white, and blue color scheme. The dry ice machine fell silent. A martial drum rhythm began. “And now,” said Budgie into the mic. “Who’s the one you’ve all been waiting for? She’s primed and loaded … you guys closest to the stage, better scoot your seats back, or she’ll put your eyes out. She’s the Baroness of Battery, the Magnate of Munitions, the Aristocrat of Artillery, The Big Gun of Big Guns … here’s CANNONS!” He immediately switched off the mic, poured something into a shot glass, grabbed a first aid kit, and ran over to the bearded man.

A woman strode onto the stage, in a glittery top hat and tailcoat reminiscent of Uncle Sam’s, with red hotpants and matching heels over fishnet stockings that showed off some very shapely legs. But nobody was looking at her very shapely legs.

“Fishnet stockings seem to be popular here,” said Caesar.

“I see why they call her Cannons.” said Innocenzio.

“But those can’t be real.”

The drumming segued into what sounded like a dance mix of “Yankee Doodle”, with a synthesizer playing the fife part. The bearded man had regained some of his color and was watching the show. Cannons marched up and down the stage, saluting the audience. She tossed her hat into the air and confetti spilled out of it.

Caesar looked back at the coat check counter. The lights had gone out and it was dark inside. He couldn’t tell if Dazzle was still in there. Then Budgie came through the door, flicking a cigarette butt back outside over his shoulder. He peered into the dark coat check room. Suddenly, Dazzle appeared at the top of the stairway where the pompadour man had gone.

“Budgie!” she cried out. She looked at the bar, then into the audience. “Budgie! Where are you?” Budgie ran towards the stage. “Oh god, Budgie! It’s Valentine! Hurry!” She ran back behind the curtain. Budgie vaulted up the stairs in two bounds. Something in Dazzle’s voice compelled Innocenzio and Caesar to follow. Cannons turned to the audience. “Well, boys, sorry for the interruption. We seem to be having some technical difficulties, but I’m still in perfect working order!” She shimmied her shoulders and did an excellent impersonation of a twin turboprop plane, possibly a Beechcraft King Air 350i.

Backstage, Budgie ran straight for Valentine’s office, with Caesar and Innocenzio close behind. The three men went through a doorway, their feet clomping loudly on the wooden floor. Except for the beam coming from a flashlight Dazzle was carrying, the room was completely dark. There was a figure slumped in a chair.

“Awfully warm in here,” whispered Caesar to Innocenzio.

“Something smells like it’s burning. Maybe something caught fire.”

“I can’t get the lights on in here,” said Dazzle, flicking the wall switch repeatedly.

“Go check the fuse box,” said Budgie.

Dazzle looked uncertain. “Oh … okay.” She handed the flashlight to Budgie and left.

Budgie was about to touch the man in the chair when Caesar said, “Wait, stop! Don’t touch him.” He took the flashlight and shined it on the floor. There were two wires attached to the arms of the chair. “Was he electrocuted?”

“Dazzle! Don’t touch anything!” shouted Budgie as loudly as possible. He snatched the flashlight from Caesar and ran out the door, leaving Caesar and Innocenzio in the dark.

“Look at this, Caesar.” On one wall, there was a hole through which light was shining.

Caesar tried to peer through it. “Looks like there’s a hallway on the other side. Oh, hey there, Budgie.”

“Who said that?”

“It’s Caesar. There’s a hole in the wall here.” Budgie peered back through the hole.

“It’s right next to the fuse box. I’m checking it now.”

Dazzle returned. “Budgie is at the fuse box. Those things scare me.”

“It’s okay, boys,” said Budgie as he came back through the door. “The circuit was thrown. There’s no current going through the office. The power to the coat check room was off, too.”

A woman appeared, carrying another flashlight.

“Hey stranger,” said Budgie. “I thought you were supposed to be here last night.”

“I switched with Icon. Needed a long weekend with the boyfriend.”

Caesar pointed at her flashlight. “May I?”

The woman shined the flashlight in their faces. “Who are you guys?” she asked suspiciously.

Budgie studied Caesar’s face. “I thought you looked familiar. Couldn’t tell in the bar. You’re one of The Coffee Detectives.”

“Guilty as charged,” said Caesar.

“But I don’t recognize you,” Budgie said to Innocenzio.

“I’m Innocenzio James, Coffee Detective in training!” He gave a smart salute.

Budgie introduced the woman. “This is Peekaboo, one of our dancers.” Caesar pointed again at Peekaboo’s flashlight, and she handed it to him. He shined it beneath the desk. The two wires from the chair came together as an electrical cord which was plugged into a wall socket.

“Look at this,” said Innocenzio. There was a third wire on one chair leg, attached to a nail in the floor. He pointed to the man in the chair. “This the boss?”

“Yeah, that’s Valentine.”

Caesar carefully lifted one of Valentine’s arms. The chair arm was wet. “Help me get him out of this chair.” In the background they could hear the crowd cheering and chanting “Can-nons! Can-nons! Can-nons!” Dazzle and Peekaboo helped Caesar lift Valentine out of the chair and lay him on the floor.

“What the hell, his butt’s all wet,” said Peekaboo. “Did he piss himself?”

Caesar sniffed gingerly at the chair. “I think it’s just water. The seat and the arms of the chair are wet. Helluva good way to electrocute someone.” He saw something pink on the chair. “What the heck … is this a whoopee cushion?”

“Budgie, you’re sure the power’s off?” asked Innocenzio. Budgie nodded. Innocenzio grabbed the cord and pulled it from the socket. He also pulled the chair away from the wall until the third wire came loose.

“Budgie,” said Caesar. “See if you can reset the circuit breaker. It should be safe now.” Budgie left, and a moment later, the lights in the office came back on.

Innocenzio and Caesar studied the room. It was roughly trapezoidal. The walls were painted grey except for one angled wall, which was painted a glossy white. Several yucca trees in pots took up most of the space in front of the white wall. Two fire extinguishers and a file cabinet that looked like it had been hit by a train occupied the remaining space. There was a beat up wooden desk, on top of which was a coffee stained desk calendar, an old lamp, a dot matrix printer, and an ashtray that probably hadn’t been dumped since 1972.

“Look,” said Innocenzio. “The chair is completely metal.”

“Is he dead?” asked Dazzle. “I came in here to get him when the lights went out.”

“Where were you when that happened, umm, Dazzle?” asked Caesar.

“Daisy McKay. I was still working the coat check counter. I heard Budgie announce Cannons, and then a few minutes later the lights went out, and that’s when I went to get Valentine.”

“How did you get to the office from the coat check counter?”

“Here, I’ll show you.” Dazzle led them out the office and around a corner. Budgie was there, closing the fuse box. Caesar stole a quick look—there was indeed a hole in the wall next to it. Budgie followed everyone as Dazzle went down a small flight of steps into a narrow passageway, only about two feet wide. Suspended from the ceiling was a bar which ran the length of the passageway. Twenty or so coats and jackets were hanging from it. “This goes directly to the coat check counter.” The group pushed through the coats. It was like walking through an automatic car wash. Finally, the passageway opened to the inside of the coat check counter.

“So you were here,” said Caesar, “And when the lights went out you made your way to the office through the coats.”

“Yes. It was dark. I put my hands out in front of me …”—she demonstrated—“… so I could feel my way. But I tripped on something.”

“What was it?”

“I don’t know. It felt like something big. But I probably just got tangled up in the dark with all those coats.”

“And you found Valentine in his chair.”

Dazzle gulped hard. “Yeah. I was just talking to him while Banshee was performing.”

“The door wasn’t locked when you got there?”

“It was ajar, and it was dark inside. I knocked anyway, but there was no answer. I knocked again and went in. Couldn’t get the lights to come on. I found a flashlight and then I found him … in the chair.” She gulped. “I … I’m sorry, I need to go sit down for a second.” She forded her way back through the coats and disappeared.

Caesar looked around the coat check room; the coat rack passageway seemed to be the only way in. “Hmm. Let’s go back to the office.” He looked at the lamp on the desk. “Someone set up the chair and cut the power before Valentine came in. Now, if I came into a room and the overhead light wasn’t working, I’d fumble my way to the desk and turn on the lamp. Valentine couldn’t see that the chair was wet or there were wires attached, so he sat down …”

“And someone turned the power back on and electrocuted him,” said Budgie dryly. “We have a murder on our hands.”

“But who?” said Innocenzio. “Anyone wanted to off the boss?”

Budgie smiled grimly. “Not as far as I know. He was a cantankerous old coot, but I think we all got along.” He looked at Caesar. “If you guys are the Coffee Detectives, we’d sure appreciate any help you can give us.”

“Yes, but we need to call the police too,” said Caesar.

Budgie went to pick up the phone on Valentine’s desk, but Peekaboo beat him to it. She picked up the handset, listened, jiggled the switch arm a few times, listened again. “Dead,” she said, putting the handset down.

“Great,” said Caesar. “Seems a little too coincidental, don’t you think?”

Cannons poked her head into the office. “Guys, a little help out here? I need a break and nobody’s running the bar.”

“Sorry,” said Peekaboo. She left the room, followed by Budgie.

Cannons saw Valentine’s body. “Oh, shit, what happened?” She knelt by his body and examined it. “Burns on the arms.” She tore open his shirt. “And across his chest. He’s been electrocuted.”

“Oh, cool,” said Innocenzio. “I mean, it’s cool you’re a doctor!”

“Not yet. Studying to be one.”

“We think this was murder and not an accident,” said Caesar. He described how the wires had been attached to the chair. “Budgie asked us to help figure things out.”

“Why you two? Who are you, anyway?”

“I’m Caesar Campbell …”

“Oh, The Coffee Detectives. What the heck are you doing in Lares Land’s End?” Innocenzio introduced himself and described how they had gotten lost and found their way to The Pink Skink.

“Well, I’m Dolly McGeoch. Cannons.” She smiled and shrugged. “Stupid nickname, but the customers love it.” She fanned herself. “Hot in here. Can we talk somewhere else?” They left the office and Caesar closed the door behind him. Cannons led the way to a small break room. There was a tiny fridge, and a counter with a sink with a plastic garbage bin underneath. That left only enough room for a card table and a few plastic chairs. “Man, it’s warm in here, too.” Dazzle was there, drinking a coffee out of a styrofoam cup and looking upset. They all sat down.

“Hey Dazzle,” said Cannons. Dazzle smiled weakly and waved.

“Who’s watching coat check?” asked Caesar.

“Carcass. He’s our bouncer. When whoever is running coat check needs a break, he fills in.”

“So,” Cannons said to Caesar. “You’re here to help us?”

“You were onstage when all this happened, right?”

“Yes. Banshee finished her number, then Budgie announced me. I passed Banshee on my way to the stage.”

“Did you see anyone else?”

Cannons thought for a moment. “Candy Mandy was finishing a shower. Anyway, I went on stage, started my number, and a few minutes later Dazzle was screaming for Budgie. I kept on dancing. Gotta keep the show going, you know. And that’s all I know.”

“What about before you went onstage?”

“I was in the back at the dressing tables, getting ready.” She paused. “You know, now that I think about it, I thought I heard a noise coming from this area.”

“Like what?”

She rapped on the table with her knuckles. “Like that.”

“Could it have been a hammer?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what it sounded like.” She shrugged. “I didn’t think much of it. Just figured Carcass was fixing something.”

“Any idea why someone would want to kill Valentine?” Cannons shook her head. “What do you know about him? His past, I mean.”

“Nothing, really. I’ve been here about a year, working my way through med school. But, you know, we don’t all pal around after hours. We come here, we work our shifts, we leave.”

Caesar considered for a moment. “Everyone here get along?”

“Mostly. Some dancers are nice, some not so nice.” Cannons rolled her eyes and shook her head. “You should be glad Fireworks isn’t here tonight.”

“Oh yeah, Budgie mentioned her. And someone named Carnival.”

“She was okay. A bit of an ingenue. She started about the same time as me, then disappeared after six months. Valentine said she got drunk here one night so he put her in a cab and sent her home, and we never saw her again. I think Valentine tried calling her, but we never found out what happened. But dancers come and go all the time. Some find something better, some can’t deal with the audience. You need a sense of humor for this kind of work. But Carnival didn’t seem unhappy. She just disappeared.”

“What was her real name?”

“Betty … something. I haven’t thought about her since she left. You know, there was something about her that seems familiar now.”

Innocenzio was suddenly struck by inspiration. “What do you know about moonshine?”

“You mean illegal liquor? Not much. If you don’t do it right, it can kill you.”

“Really? How?”

“When you make liquor, you run it through a kind of distillation process. The first part that comes out is called the foreshot. Mostly it’s methanol. You drink that stuff, you’ll go blind—or die.”

Dazzle fidgeted in her chair. Innocenzio’s eyes widened. “Oh … like right away?”

“No. There’s initial symptoms like dizziness, nausea, headache, and then maybe a dozen hours later, you can go blind, have putaminal hemorrhaging, respiratory failure …”

“Oh, please stop!” cried out Dazzle, slamming her hand on the table. “Doesn’t anyone care that there might be a killer hanging around? If you guys think this is murder, then that means the killer might still be here. We’re in the middle of nowhere. Why hasn’t anyone called the police?”

“Easy, Dazzle,” said Cannons. “These guys are detectives.”

“I know.” Dazzle took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh. “I guess if it was one of the customers, he would’ve driven away.”

“Maybe uhh, ‘Carcass’ saw someone leave,” said Caesar.

“I’ll ask him. I need to get back, anyway.” Dazzle threw her cup in the trash and left.

“Cannons, did you see anyone in the audience leave during your act?”

“I don’t know. Hard to see onstage. Usually you’re blinded by the lighting. I think one guy went to the bathroom, then came back.” She wiped her brow. “Anything else you need to know?” The men shook their heads. “Great. I’m going to grab a shower.” She got up and left.

“What’s with all the moonshine questions?” asked Caesar.

“Remember that bottle label? I said I thought it was faux retro. But did you see the printer on Valentine’s desk? I bet he made that label himself. I bet he makes moonshine. Maybe he ran afoul of some other moonshiners and they didn’t want any competition.” He gulped. “Oh my god. I drank some of it. What if …?” He couldn’t bring himself to finish the question.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. I mean, they’d have to be pretty stupid to poison all the customers, right?” Innocenzio considered this, then looked visibly relieved.

Budgie reappeared. “Peekaboo’s just finishing her set, then there’s a break. Can I get anything for you guys?”

“I don’t suppose there’s a diagram of this building?”

“Come with me.” They followed him back to the office. Budgie went to the file cabinet and yanked open the bottom drawer. There were no dividers, just a large roll of paper secured with rubber bands. “Try this.”

“Thank you,” said Caesar. He had removed the rubber bands and unrolled the paper. There were actually six large sheets. The top one had a plan of the club. “Ah, this helps. So we are …”–he pointed at the diagram–“… right here, I think. Here’s the bar … this must be the coat check counter.”

Just then Peekaboo walked in wearing a bathrobe. “How’s it going?” she asked. She looked down at Valentine, walked out, then returned with a large tarp and draped it over his body.

“Thanks, uhh, ‘Peekaboo’,” said Innocenzio. Caesar had pulled the other sheets out from under the master blueprint. “What’s your real name, by the way?”

“Belladonna Pirroni.”

“Ooh, exotic! So, mind telling us where you were when the lights went out?”

Peekaboo smirked. “Sounds like a line out of an old detective movie. Well, I got here early tonight. Caught a ride with a friend. I had time to kill and I was hungry, so I went to the kitchen. Budgie wasn’t anywhere, so I helped myself to a patty melt. Ate it fast because I was on after Cannons. When Dazzle called out for Budgie and he went running, I left the kitchen and made my way to the office.”

“Now what could this be?” muttered Caesar, pulling one of the other sheets out from the bunch.

“You didn’t happen to see anyone in the audience leaving?” said Innocenzio.

“I don’t think so. Kinda freaked me a little when Dazzle screamed.”

“Any idea who’d want to kill Valentine?” Peekaboo shook her head, causing her pageboy bob to sway and catch the light. Caesar was hmm-ing to himself as he pored over the sheet. Innocenzio continued. “We think he might’ve been a moonshiner.”

Peekaboo cocked an eyebrow. “A moonshiner? Well, I’ll be. That’s interesting.”

Caesar was still muttering as he studied the sheet. “Not for … structure?”

“What are you talking about, Caesar?” said Innocenzio.

Caesar held up a diagram that was a complicated crisscross of lines, letters, and numbers. “I have no idea. It’s not plumbing. Wiring, maybe. All these weird abbreviations. ‘NFSS’.” He tried again to guess. “Not for … safety …”

“… ’s sake?” finished Innocenzio.

Peekaboo snickered. “Non fused safety switch. Everyone knows that. I thought you were supposed to be detectives.”

“Well, we don’t know everything.”

Innocenzio turned back to Peekaboo. “What brought you to The Pink Skink?”

“I needed a job, they needed another dancer. I came to see Valentine, he let me dance one set, the audience seemed to like me, and he gave me the job.”

“Long commute, though.”

“Yeah, but the pay is decent, and the tips are usually good. I don’t know why Valentine bought a building in the middle of nowhere to make into a strip club instead of something closer to East Kingsley or Flanders, but we always get a good crowd, so I guess he knew what he was doing.”

“Do you like it here?” asked Caesar.

She shrugged. “It’s okay. Not the worst way to make a living, I suppose.”

“I think that’s all for now,” said Caesar, “But if you see, uhh, ‘Candy Cane’ …”

“Candy Mandy.”

“Yes, ‘Candy Mandy’ or ‘Banshee’, we’d like to talk to them.”

“You got it.” Peekaboo left.

“You know, Innocenzio, Budgie disappeared for a minute right before the murder.”

“Well, it looks like there’s a back door near the office.” said Innocenzio, pointing to the diagram. “He could’ve run around and wired the chair. I suppose he could’ve set up a timer or something like that to fry the boss.”

“Maybe, but think about the whoopee cushion.

“What about it?”

Caesar pointed at the hole in the wall. “Someone set this all up while Valentine was out of the office. They cut the power so Valentine would sit in the chair and try the desk lamp. But the office is completely in the dark; there’s no way to tell by looking when he had sat down. So by drilling a hole in the wall near the fuse box and putting a whoopee cushion in the chair …”

“They’d know when he sat down, and then they threw the switch. But why was the power to the coat check room cut off?”

“Maybe the killer was in a hurry and hit the wrong switch.”

“Let’s go talk to the bouncer.”

They stepped out of the office and shut the door. They didn’t want to go back through the audience, so they exited through the back door. The door led to a set of concrete stairs and into a paved parking lot, unlike the dirt in front of the club where the customers parked. There were enough spaces for five cars, and the lot was surrounded by a chain link fence except for a gap through which the cars entered. Along the wall were signs that read Employees Only and Keep Out.

Innocenzio pointed at the gap. “We can walk through there and go around to the front.” As they walked, he noticed something on the pavement. “What’s this bag doing here?” He looked inside and began pulling out items: a hammer, a pair of gloves, a baseball cap, a hand drill with a large bit, and a small box-like device. “What’s this for?”

Caesar studied it and read the label aloud. “Multimeter. This is some kind of electrical tool. See these numbers? They represent volts, I think. Maybe the killer used this to set up the wires on the chair.”

“What’s it doing out here?”

“Maybe the killer had to get rid of it in a hurry. Opened the door and threw the bag into the parking lot.”

They walked through the gap and made their way to the front. The man with the shaved head was there, smoking. There were already four or five butts at his feet.

“Hey, guy, can we talk to you?”

“Sure, man.” He let the butt drop and stubbed it out with his boot. “What’s up?”

“You’re Carcass, right?”

“Yup. Kenny Ballion, at your service.”

“So you’re the bouncer.” said Innocenzio.

“Yeah. Usually we don’t get too much trouble from the customers. Sometimes they have too much to drink but then they’re just tipsy, not trouble. Valentine calls for a cab and I put them in. I walk the girls to their cars, make sure the customers don’t get too friendly with them. And I do odd jobs like repairs, breaks, whatever needs to be done. We’re a small outfit, as you have seen.”

“Where were you when the lights went out?”

“I’ve been outside the whole time until I gave Dazzle her break. Didn’t know about Valentine until Budgie came out to tell me. Said you guys were detectives or something?”

“Yes. Until we can reach the police, we’re just trying to gather some clues. Did you see anyone out here? Besides the customers, I mean.”

“Valentine arrived just before seven. Peekaboo showed up a little while later; someone gave her a ride here. Just before nine, the boss came around the same way you just did and went back in through the front. And Budgie came out to grab a smoke, just before it happened, I guess.”

“Why did the boss come around?”

“He does that. Likes to say hi to the workers, checks to see how the shows are going, how big the audience is.”

“Did Budgie say anything to you when he came outside?”

“We bullshitted for a minute, then he went back in through the front door. And then he came back out later and told me what happened. Say, you said ‘until you can reach the police’?”

“Yes. The phone is dead.”

Carcass pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered them to the two men. They declined, so he lit one for himself. “Sad about Valentine. Good guy. Liked working for him. Easy enough money.”

“Did he have enemies? Owe someone money? Anything like that?”

“I can’t imagine, but what do I know? I’m usually out here. He was kinda eccentric. Well, very eccentric. He’s had this place for about two years. I’ve only been here …”–he took a big drag–“… eight months. I don’t know what happened before I started.”

“Do you recognize these?” Innocenzio handed the bag to Carcass, who looked inside.

“Yeah, these are mine. What are you guys doing with them?”

“We found them in the employee parking lot.”

“What were they doing out there?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.”

Carcass took another drag. “I haven’t used them lately, if that’s what you mean. They’re supposed to be in my locker.”

“Are the lockers locked?”

“The girls lock theirs, but I don’t bother.”

Someone was coming around the corner from the employee parking lot. It was a woman, in a t-shirt, jeans and slippers. But even in the dark, her mohawk gave her away.

“Banshee,” said Carcass, nodding.

“Hey, Carcass.”

“Did anyone leave?” asked Caesar. “Any of the customers, I mean.”

“Dazzle asked me that, too. No, I think everyone is still here. I’m pretty sure nobody’s left since it happened.”

“Peekaboo said you guys wanted to see me?” asked Banshee. “Budgie says you’re detectives.”

Before Caesar could answer, Innocenzio had taken out his cellphone. “Oh my gosh,” he gushed. “Ms. McCarrick, I’m such a fan. Can I get a picture of us?”

“Only if you promise not to put this …”—she indicated her choice of casual wear—“… on the net. I have an image to maintain!” And she laughed.

“I wouldn’t dream of it!” Innocenzio handed his cellphone to Carcass. “Do you mind?” Banshee flexed her biceps and snarled at the camera. Innocenzio just grinned beatifically. Click, click, flash, flash.

“Okay, if red carpet time is over,” said Caesar. “Banshee, where were you when all this happened?”

“I finished my set. I went backstage, had some water, sat down for a moment, then took a shower.”

“And then?”

“I got out of the shower and saw everyone running in and out of Valentine’s office.”

“Any idea why someone would want to kill Valentine?”

“So you do think this is murder.” Banshee shrugged. “I don’t know. I come here, I take off my clothes, I sing, I go home.”

“Ah yes, we heard you singing. Impressive.”

“Operatically trained, you know.” She smirked. “Only I’m not fat enough for some opera companies.”

Caesar picked up on the strange emphasis on the word fat. “That’s a joke, right? You don’t need to be fat if you’re a good enough singer.”

Banshee cleared her throat noisily. “White enough.” She pointed at The Pink Skink sign. “I do this when the band is on a break. And Valentine doesn’t care what anyone looks like. A girl could be green with seven heads and he’d hire her as long as she put on a good show. He was good to me. So it’s too bad someone iced him.” She shook her head and scowled. “Frankly, I’d like to get the fucker who did this.” The men cringed at the thought of what someone like Banshee would do to the fucker who did this.

“Well, okay, thanks,” said Caesar. Banshee headed back to the parking lot entrance. Carcass was ambling aimlessly around the customer cars.

“Well, Caesar, do you think it’s one of the employees?” asked Innocenzio.

“I can’t say for sure, but it seems unlikely it was a customer. He’d have to make his way backstage without being seen, set up the chair, and find the fuse box. He couldn’t do all that unless he was familiar with the place.”

“We’re still without a motive, though.”

“Then we have to figure this out through opportunity.”

“Let’s go find Budgie and Candy Mandy.”

They stepped through the front door. Dazzle was back on duty at the coat check counter. They made sure not to cross in front of the audience. Budgie was at the bar, handing Candy Mandy a bottle of water.

“Got a minute?” asked Caesar.

“Sure boss, what’s up?” said Budgie.

“You don’t need me, do you?” asked Candy Mandy.

“Actually, we need to talk to both of you … uhh, should we call you Candy or Mandy or …?”

“Either is fine. Mandy is my real name. Mandy Carruthers.”

“You know Valentine died and we think it’s murder. So where …”

“… where was I when it happened?” Candy Mandy looked at Budgie, then said, “Out back having a smoke.”

“Did you see anyone back there?” Candy Mandy shook her head. “What about after your act, and before you had a smoke?”

“I took a shower.”

“You didn’t see anyone, hear anything else? No idea why someone would want Valentine dead?”

“Nope. Nope. And nope. Can I go?” Caesar nodded. The three of them watched her leave.

“You guys wanted to ask me something?” asked Budgie.

“Just before Dazzle came looking for you, we saw you come in the front door.”

“Yeah. I stepped out for a quick smoke. Ask Carcass.”

“He already told us. Peekaboo said she came here to get some food but you were gone.”

“Yeah, the dancers get free food. Not free drinks. Well, soda, OJ, but not the good stuff.”

Caesar noticed a fire extinguisher near the kitchen door. He suddenly stiffened. “I want to go look at the office again.”

“You come up with something?” asked Budgie.

“Maybe. Something is bothering me.” Caesar and Innocenzio headed for the front door, but then Caesar walked up to the coat check counter.

“Hey guys,” said Dazzle.

“Feeling better?” asked Innocenzio.

“Yes, a little.” She noticed Caesar was peering into her work space. “Help you with something?”

Caesar did a little hop and sat on the counter. “There’s only one way to get behind this counter, right?”

“Unless you hop over it, yes. Like I showed you earlier. You come down the little stairs from backstage, through the coat closet, and here you are.”

Caesar swung his legs over the counter and hopped down the other side. “Innocenzio, I’ll meet you in the office.” He disappeared into the coat closet. Innocenzio shrugged at Dazzle, then he went out the front door.

Caesar reached Valentine’s office’s door to find Peekaboo and Cannons about to go inside. “What’s up?” he asked.

“I need to call my babysitter,” said Cannons. “I forgot to tell her something.”

“I told you the phone is out of order!” said Peekaboo, irritated.

“Well, maybe it’s working again.” Cannons opened the door and a gust of hot air wafted over them.

“What the hell?” exclaimed Caesar.

Innocenzio arrived and looked at the thermostat on the wall. “It’s set at seventy-two degrees.”

“Feels more like ninety-two degrees.” He looked down at the body of Valentine, hidden under the tarp. “We should get the body out of here if it’s going to be hot like this. You wanna help me, Peekaboo?”

But Peekaboo was watching Cannons intently, who had walked over to the desk to pick up the phone. “Don’t you trust me?” said Peekaboo.

And then the phone rang. They all looked at the phone, then at Peekaboo. The phone continued to ring, but nobody moved to pick it up.

Just then, Banshee walked by. “Isn’t anyone going to answer that?” She stepped in and picked up the handset. “Hello, The Pink Skink … nobody here by that name … well, the same to you, asshole.” She hung up the phone.

“What was that about?” asked Caesar.

“Someone asking for ‘Betty’, whoever that is.” Peekaboo froze, her face oddly impassive.

“That’s it!” exclaimed Cannons, pointing to Peekaboo. “You look like Carnival! I knew there was something about her that was nagging at me!”

Caesar turned back to Peekaboo. “I’m betting you know something about Valentine’s death. I don’t know what your motive was, but it was you, wasn’t it?”

Peekaboo set her jaw, as if she were afraid her mouth might speak without her permission. Her mouth spoke anyway. “And what makes you think I had anything to do with Valentine’s death?”

“Well,” said Innocenzio. “For one thing, there’s a tear rolling down your cheek.”

“So? I can’t be upset about Valentine?”

“But you’re not upset about Valentine. Cannons is right, isn’t she?” said Caesar.

Peekaboo dabbed at the tear. “Betty was my little sister.”

“Was?”

“Valentine killed her.”

“No way!” said Cannons. “He sent her home in a cab and as far as I know, we never saw her again.”

“I’ll tell you what happened,” said Peekaboo. “Betty came home in a cab one night about six months ago, totally drunk. Said she was trying some special drink she found in Valentine’s office before she passed out. I put her to bed. The next day she woke up and she was blind! And before I could get her to a doctor, she’d died. But the last thing she said to me was, ‘Valentine still’.”

“Valentine still … what?” asked Innocenzio.

Peekaboo sat on the edge of Valentine’s desk. “I don’t know. I went to the cops and asked them to look into it, but they said they weren’t going to waste their time on ‘some stripper skank who drank herself to death.’” She sneered bitterly. “So I took matters into my own hands. Bided my time, then got a job here using a fake last name. Rigged the electricity to kill Valentine, and that was that.”

“And you threw the tools outside, hoping to throw suspicion on Carcass.”

Dazzle had been standing at the door. “Peekaboo—you’re the killer?”

“Go get Budgie, quick,” Caesar told her. Everyone was staring at Peekaboo. She ignored them and just looked at her fingernails. Banshee took a step towards her …

“Caesar,” said Innocenzio, quickly. “You said something was bothering you about the office?”

“Yeah, look at this.” Caesar pulled out the diagram. “Notice something odd?”

“No. There’s the office, the little stairs, the fuse box, the break room …”

“The office is rectangular on the diagram, but …”

Innocenzio looked around. “But it’s not rectangular in here.” He looked at the wall hidden by the yucca plants. “I wonder.” He began pulling the plants away from the wall. “Look! It’s a panel! And it’s hot to the touch. Maybe there’s a water heater behind here.”

“It wouldn’t run that hot, unless something was wrong.”

Budgie arrived. Caesar pointed at the wall. “Feel that wall. What’s behind there?”

“It’s just the break room on the other side.” Caesar and Innocenzio put their hands on the panel and pressed. It gave way, first falling inwards, then sliding out and landing at their feet. A volcanic hot surge of air bulldozed over everyone, forcing them to shut their eyes. There was also a sound of hissing.

“What the hell?” cried Budgie. They all struggled to see through squinting eyes. There was a copper barrel of sorts, standing on legs, with a tube running out of it, and a fire underneath coming from a gas ring. The tube led to a jar filled with what seemed to be chopped up pieces of fruit. Another tube protruded from the fruit jar and went into a container. At the other side of the container, on the bottom, was a spigot. The barrel was vibrating, lurching from leg to leg.”

“So it was a moonshine still.” whispered Peekaboo.

“I don’t think moonshine stills are supposed to shake like that!” said Budgie. “We’ve got to get outside, this thing might blow! Everyone, out the back way! Someone tell Carcass to meet me in the main room!” He ran across the stage, nearly knocking Candy Mandy over. He grabbed her by the arm and dragged her along behind him and down the stage stairs, then ran to the bar and picked up the mic. “Attention, everyone! We have a little situation on our hands. It’s time for some fresh air, so let’s all step outside. Look sharp, move quickly.” He saw Carcass at the front door. “Carcass! Help get everyone outside, hurry! You too, Candy Mandy!”

Candy Mandy nodded and gestured to the front door like a flight attendant indicating the emergency exits, while Carcass started pushing people towards the door. The bearded man with the bandaged hand refused to budge. “I want to see Banshee again!” Carcass picked him up and carried him like a sack of potatoes, tossed him out the front door into a heap, then ran back inside. He reappeared a moment later, herding more customers out the door, with Candy Mandy tagging along behind.

“I think that’s everyone!” he said to Caesar.

Some of the customers were getting into their cars and driving off. “Budgie,” shouted Carcass. “You want me to stop them?”

“No! Let them go! We’ve got to get everyone away from the building!”

Banshee and Cannons exchanged looks. Cannons whipped open her blouse. “Hey boys, follow me!” She skipped away from the parking area. Most of the men followed this particularly provocative Pied Piper. Those who didn’t found themselves either shoved by Carcass or, in the case of the bearded man, slapped by Banshee.

“GET AWAY FROM HERE!” she screamed at him.

The man wet himself, but refused to budge. Instead, he knelt before her. “Again, again!” he begged. Banshee was not sure if a second slap would yield the desired result but, fortunately, Carcass stepped in, picked up the man again, slung him over his shoulder, and carried him away.

And then the still exploded. The night outside became as day. Even Cannons wasn’t sufficiently distracting and the customers all turned to look. “Ooh … ahh!” They were enjoying the spectacle too much to appreciate the danger they had been in. Some applauded. Some took photos. The explosion had blasted a massive hole in the exterior wall where the office had been. Flaming pieces of desk were beginning to rain down, causing everyone to take a few steps back.

Budgie came up to Caesar and Innocenzio. “Dazzle told me Peekaboo confessed to killing Valentine? How did you figure it out?”

“It was nearly a perfect crime. We couldn’t figure out who had a motive. It was when Peekaboo said she was making a patty melt for herself when Valentine died that I began to get suspicious.”

“A patty melt? But we don’t have any burgers.”

“Exactly. Peekaboo had been away for a long weekend so she wouldn’t have known that. The only other clue we had was the fact she knew what NFSS stood for. I don’t think most people know what it means. That might’ve been coincidence, but why would she lie about the patty melt?”

“So how did she do it?”

“My guess is, she waited for Valentine to leave his office. She set everything up, drilled a hole in the wall, and waited. She cut the power just before he went into his office and waited for him to sit in the chair, then electrocuted him. To make her escape, she cut the power to the coat check room and hid in the closet in the dark—that’s when Dazzle tripped over her. After Dazzle had gone, Peekaboo hopped over the counter and came back to the office via the stage stairs, pretending she’d been in the kitchen. Valentine was obviously making moonshine tonight, but when he died, there was nobody to keep an eye on the still, and it overheated.”

Budgie absorbed all this, then said, “I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t really think Valentine poisoned Carnival. Not intentionally, anyway.”

“No. She must’ve found the foreshot that night while he was out of the office and thought it was drinkable. She probably saw the still, too.”

“Why didn’t Peekaboo just leave after killing Valentine?”

“She didn’t have a ride. Anyway, less suspicious to stick around and pretend to be surprised. If she had just said she made herself a hot dog, she might’ve gotten away with it. She was probably lying about the phone being out of order. We just took her word for it.”

“Shit,” said Budgie. He looked around slowly. “I don’t think she made it out.”

“Or she stayed behind deliberately,” said Innocenzio.

“Well, now what?” cried Candy Mandy. “We’re in the middle of nowhere with no phones! And our cars!” She pointed towards the employee parking lot. What used to be several operational cars were now still-burning clinkers of steel, glass, and tires.

“My car is okay,” said Caesar. “I’ll drive to the next town, or at least somewhere where I can get a cell signal, and call for help.”

“Send cabs,” suggested Banshee.

“Are you guys going to be okay here until we can send help?”

“Most of the customers are leaving now, anyway,” said Budgie. “I think Carcass and Banshee can keep the rest under control.”

As Caesar and Innocenzio drove away, Innocenzio said, “This is going to become local lore, you know. ‘The Night The Pink Skink Exploded’, or something like that.” Caesar nodded in agreement. Innocenzio continued. “I wonder … if I worked there, what do you think my stripper name would be?” He shimmied and posed as best he could while buckled in his seat.

“How about ‘Strutting Rooster’?” said Caesar, his hands around the steering wheel.

“Silly thing. Just wait ’til I get you home …” And they drove into the night, hoping they wouldn’t miss Mirage Lane.

The End