What would happen if The United States of America suddenly found itself eligible to compete in The Eurovision Song Contest?
1. With 50 states and assorted territories, there would have to be semi-finals.
2. Alaska and Hawaii would never make it past the semi-finals because they have no neighbors to vote for them.
3. Some people would think it unfair that Georgia also gets to compete in the main Eurovision semi-finals.
4. Washington would send grunge music, Kentucky would send bluegrass, and Michigan would send Eminem.
5. The most significant voting bloc would be the Southern states, because heaven forbid a Yankee state should win.
6. Some Americans wouldn’t watch because they couldn’t find Europe on a map.
7. Indiana wouldn’t compete because Eurovision is “too gay.”
8. A no lip-syncing rule would disqualify 95% of potential artists.
9. Most of the English lyrics would actually make sense!
10. Americans would be mystified by foreign-sounding phrases like “dew spwah” and “noel pwah.”